"yknow we found out that the number one cure for anxiety and depression is, other than medication, is exercise, so this summer you won't get a babysitter, you'll get a personal trainer" my dad said. then laughed
i don't know what it was, but things like this give me anxiety. i'm fighting back the Niagara falls in my eyes. it's horrible, i'm in a car i can't lock myself in the bathroom or my room. i'm stuck. stuck in hell. he could tell i'm uncomfortable in this situation yet kept pushing. tears prick my eyes but i'm still fighting them back. i'm scared, i'm scared and i'm broken. i'm so so broken, i might as well be thrown in the trash with the other broken toys. i'm a bomb, begging someone to cut the wire so i'll explode. i won't tell anyone, i'll just send the messages, or give the notes and disappear.
i hate myself for these reasons. i once had to fight back tears at the orthodontist because he listed off the flaws of my teeth. i hate it, i have no control of the waterfalls in my eyes. i'll try fighting it back, excuse myself from the situation and burst. it's like when i was made i have no 'don't cry' button, or people just push the 'cry' button constantly without caring
about the effects on me. without caring for the consequences since they don't matter to them. it's horrible living with this. if a teacher calls on me and i don't know the answer i freeze up. i have no control.
i
hate
myself
