She was doing it again. Those rosy lips were curled up. Eyes lowered and cheeks raised in contentment? Satisfaction? Smugness? He couldn't tell. It was driving him mad.
She'd be mid-conversation and he'd catch her doing it. Her gaze would move and her mouth would change. He'd taken to calling it her secret smile, in his head. It signified something but he had no idea what.
There they were, the gang, assembled at the local. Just trying to have a normal evening of drinking and chat. Then out of the blue, Finn would see the grin take over Rae's face for no apparent reason.
Once he thought it was because of the music playing. He caught her secret smile when the beginning chords of Slide Away started on the jukebox. But no, that wasn't it. He'd already seen her do it when no music was playing.
Another time he suspected the topic of discussion brought it on. Chloe had mentioned Damon Albarn and Rae's eyes dropped to the top of the picnic table they occupied in the garden of The Swan and her still mouth quirked out of nowhere. He was relieved to determine that the thought of Blur's front man was not responsible for inspiring Rae's shift in expression. He knew Rae had done it when no one had said anything. Still the frustration continued.
How did this happen? Finn Nelson was not one to get caught up in anyone's thoughts, let alone some girl he hardly knew. What was so interesting about Rae anyway?
Sure, she knew her music. Well, she was actually pretty fucking cool if he was honest with himself. Added to the fact that she never took shit from Chop, Archie or most fascinating of all, himself. Finn was hooked and utterly puzzled.
Rae had quickly become a mate and he hadn't even realized it. It was so strange. He was normally slow to warm to people but there was something about Rae. He tried to keep his distance. He tried to simply observe her. However he tried, she'd drawn him in. He kept finding himself getting lost watching her. No one seemed to think, or move, or just be, the way Rae did.
After weeks of struggling, Finn surrendered. Rae was worthy of investigation and he was determined to figure her out. The trouble was that weeks had passed and Finn was no wiser. The meaning of Rae's secret smile continued to evade him.
He huffed out a breath. The sound was loud enough to halt the conversation at the table. Finn brought a hand up to bat at his fringe. He hadn't meant to be so loud. Rae was looking at him. He had gotten accustomed to the feeling of her gaze upon him.
"What's got your knickers in a knot, eh, Finnley?" She asked and Finn blushed furiously, refusing to meet her eyes.
Shrugging he tried to sound casual. "Nowt. Just bored is all."
He'd studied her so much he could practically hear her eyebrow slide up her forehead as she challenged him. "Well, if you've got something better to contribute to the conversation, we're all ears, aren't we?"
The gang was silent.
Finn was no good with words. Again, a loud breath escaped him. This time on purpose. He composed himself and met Rae with a level, but silent gaze. For extra good measure, he tilted his head and raised his own eyebrow, hoping to provoke her.
"Oh, now, now Mr. Mardy!" She nearly shouted.
He grinned. It worked. He simply shook his head and lifted his glass to sip his pint.
She rose to the bait. Again.
"What, Finnley? You think you're not being mardy, dickhead?" She sat back and crossed her arms under her ample chest. Finn had caught himself getting distracted by her physical attributes recently. He quickly looked away from Rae's chest. He caught the movements of his mates' heads, watching the pair of them as though they were in a tennis match.
Finn stopped looking at Rae. He knew it would drive her mad if he ignored her. He reached into his jacket pocket and removed his tobacco and rolling papers. Remaining quiet and rolling a cigarette seemed like the perfect tactic to make her positively explode.
Smacking her palm down on the table, Finn caught the gang jumping at the sound in his peripheral vision. He bit his lip to the point of drawing blood to keep himself from laughing. Still he continued focusing on his rollie. He took a slow breath, his cool facade starting to crack.
Lucky for Finn, Rae pressed on. "So, you're too good to answer us? Is that it?" She shook her head and muttered, "Prick," under her breath.
Maybe he overstepped. Sometimes it felt like the only way Rae would engage with him was if he started an argument. He didn't want it to be their only means of communication but he had gleaned so much information from her when she was in a lather.
If he was being truthful, he loved seeing her so impassioned. Her cheeks would flush the loveliest shade of pink and her big, round hazel eyes would get even bigger. She'd look at him as if her eyes needed to widen to take all of him in. It also didn't hurt that he was the one to inspire her passionate response. At the very least he knew she had moments of frustration to rival his own aggravation with her and her infuriating secret smile.
He took a moment to consider his next move. Finn carefully closed his tobacco tin and papers, returning them to his jacket pocket. He placed his ciggie between his full lips and lit it. After a long, slow drag he tried a change in tactic.
Leaning forward onto the table and resting his chin in his hand, he adopted a look of utter tedium. He sighed, "You know, Rae, you don't have to argue everything. I would happily answer you, if you were a little nicer." He blew out a thin plume of smoke from the corner of his mouth.
Rae stared at him. Her mouth fell open. Finn was very pleased with himself. He'd actually bested Rae for once. He was used to being the one stunned into silence with her usual rants.
Then something unexpected happened, Rae slowly pushed back her chair from their table. She stood up and Finn moved his gaze to her face. Finn saw a look on Rae's face he had never seen there before. He didn't need to wonder what it was. It was the same look Finn had when he lost a footie match; defeat. Rae looked as if she had lost.
Without a word Rae picked up her backpack, put it over her shoulders, nodded her head and turned, leaving the pub.
"What the fuck did you say that for, Finn?" Finn turned at Chop's voice.
Finn turned to his mate, stunned, his cigarette loosely hanging from his lips.
Chop pointed his index finger at Finn. "You'd better go and apologize, you knob. Or Archie and I will see to you. You can count on it, mate."
Finn turned toward Archie, who was looking equally infuriated. Finn caught the nods of Chloe and Izzy.
What had Finn done? Why did Rae just leave like that? She couldn't just leave.
Finn lifted his shoulders to his friends in confusion. Chop intervened.
"Finnley, I don't care why you upset, Raemundo. All I know is you did. You gotta fix it. Now, you bell end!" Chop raised his hand and waved Finn toward the door through which Rae had left them just moments before.
Standing, Finn spared a glance at his mates, all of whom shouted, "Go!"
He stumbled out of the pub and set off in the direction of Rae's house. He flicked his cigarette and stomped off. Finn knew the way after he'd stopped by to encourage Rae to stick a boot up Archie's arse for standing her up all those weeks ago.
He tried to hurry. He didn't like to think that he might have actually hurt Rae's feelings. He had no idea he could. Rae seemed indestructible to him. She was so bloody strong.
An errant thought occurred to him. Maybe she wasn't so tough. Maybe Rae was putting up a front. How could that be? Finn could spot a phony at twenty paces. Rae was anything but a fake. She was all herself. That was what he liked most about her.
He paused his walk. The realization that he liked Rae struck him hard. Finn fancied Rae. He'd never really thought of it that way before. He must have been fancying her the entire time. He thought he liked arguing with her, getting her to bite back was all he thought their friendship amounted to. Well, arguing and music. Finn loved talking about music with Rae. She'd bang on about Pulp or Weezer and Finn would watch as her face changed, as her secret smile halted her speech.
Finn groaned. There it was again, that smile. Finn was thinking about her smile.
Rolling back his shoulders, Finn took on a new resolve. He would get to her house and settle all of this.
Resuming his step, he rounded the corner to Rae's. He stopped as he spotted the object of his pursuit, sitting on the step outside of her front door.
Rae hadn't noticed him as Finn approached. Her head was in her hands, her eyes downcast. Her body looked crumpled, as if she gave up going into her house and just collapsed outside. It sounded like she was counting to ten in a fast whisper.
He made it all the way up her front walk before he kicked a rock that skidded close to her feet. She snapped her head up.
Finn's heart sank at the sight of her. Fresh tears spilled over well-worn tracks on her cheeks. His knees wobbled as he crouched down to her level.
Rae tried to move her face away and wiped at her tears with the back of her long sleeved shirt. Trying to grab her hand, Finn said, "Are you OK, Rae?"
Rae scoffed and sniffed. "Come by to continue having a go at me, have ya?"
Finn wanted to catch her eye. She refused to look at him.
Sitting back on his heels, Finn said, "Course not, Rae. I wasn't having a go at you."
Rae looked at him now. Her eyes narrowed. "What the fuck do you call that back at the pub then?"
Attempting levity, Finn laughed. "Rae, that were just us arguing. Like we always do." His laugh was cut off by Rae.
"Well, maybe I don't want to argue like we always do!" She shouted.
Finn was thrown. Biting his lip he twisted his hands together, unsure of how to proceed.
Rae wasn't letting up. "Nothing to say to that, Finn? I'm shocked."
He tried to come up with something. Giving over he sighed. "Rae, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset ya."
She laughed. "Oh really, Finnley? Well, ya did! I already know you barely tolerate me being part of the gang. But today was just too much."
Finn's mouth dropped open in shock. What was she on about? Barely tolerated her? He'd just come to terms that he proper fancied the girl and here she was thinking he didn't want her around. There had been days where Finn had wished Rae was the only one around, hang the gang. He shook his head. Finn had to think of how to make it right and fast.
"Rae?" He whispered.
"What?" She snapped.
His face jerked at her tone.
Swallowing, he soldiered on. "I'm glad you're in the gang." He raced on before she could interrupt him. "I argue with you because I like talking to you. And I don't like talking to anybody."
Rae bit down on the snide laugh she had brewing. She blinked and watched Finn, remaining silent for once.
Running his hand roughly through his hair, Finn went on. "I know I was a dick when we first met but I thought we'd gotten past it. I thought we were friends."
Rae's face scrunched up. She was clearly still angry and most likely, a little hurt.
Finn took a chance and reached out a hand to wipe away the tears on Rae's cheeks. She flinched away as his hand made contact but she stilled immediately after. Finn smiled at her.
"I'm so sorry I made you cry, Rae." He whispered.
A ragged breath passed her lips and Rae closed her eyes.
"I can only handle so much from you, Finn." Her voice was so low, Finn just barely heard her.
He detected movement from Rae's hands. It looked like she was digging her fingernails into her palms. Worried she'd hurt herself, Finn placed his hands over hers, coaxing them open. Once Rae's hands relaxed, Finn held onto them. He gave them a gentle squeeze. Rae sighed.
"What do ya mean, Rae?" He waited for her to answer. Moments stretched on and Finn grew impatient.
Gently tugging her hands Finn asked, "Rae?"
She was biting her lip. Finn watched her let out a loud breath as her head rolled back.
"Well, how much abuse can a girl like me take from the fittest lad in Lincolnshire?" She directed her words skyward.
Finn was even more befuddled. Still, a grin took residence on his face at her calling him fit.
"Rae, what do you mean a girl like you? I haven't been abusing you, have I?" Genuine concern crossed his features as he watched Rae lower her chin to her chest.
"You're always taking the piss." She mumbled, hiding behind her hair, which fell forward as her head moved down.
Finn smoothed her hair back and left his hand behind her ear, holding the side of her face.
Leaning closer to her, he asked, "Now when have I ever taken the piss out of you? How could I, Rae?"
She let loose a derisive laugh. "All too easily, Finn! Let's take the piss out of the mad, fat girl who fancies me!"
Rae's hand flew up and covered her mouth. Her eyes widened more than Finn had ever seen before. She started muttering, "Oh no. Oh shit."
Rae tried to stand but Finn reached out and used both arms to hold her in place. He moved forward from his crouch to sitting on his knees in front of Rae.
His heart felt like it would beat right out of his chest at her words. Now his eyes widened for a change and a grin like he'd never known stretched his lips. His eyes darted all over her face. Not wanting to upset her further Finn decided to share his epiphany with Rae.
Finn gently pulled her hands from her face, Rae shook her head and kept her eyes shut.
Getting as close as he dared, Finn confessed, "Rae, I fancy ya too."
Rae stilled and slowly opened her eyes. She focused on the ground, not Finn.
Continuing, Finn said, "I've fancied you all this time. I just...I just didn't know how to tell ya." He bit his lip and watched Rae hopefully. "I guess that's why I keep arguing with ya. I can't seem to hold your attention otherwise."
Her eyes met his, unblinking.
Finn shrugged. "I didn't know what else to do, Rae. It were so hard when you wouldn't talk to me or look at me."
Rae's lips separated. Finn waited, expectantly, for her to speak.
Finally blinking Rae said, almost to herself, "But ya don't really like me. Ya can be so rude sometimes. I thought you just wanted me to leave you alone."
Grabbing her hands, Finn chuckled. "Rae, that's the last thing I want. I didn't mean to be rude. I'm sorry you thought that. Now, well..." Finn's words finally seemed to have stopped. He couldn't remember the last time he spoke so much, especially to a girl. He never had to before.
Nodding at him, Rae encouraged him to continue. "Well, what, Finn?"
"Em, well...Rae?" He looked at her, lost.
She smiled. "Yeah?"
Seeing her smile eased his mind and the words spilled forth before he could consider them. "Would ya go out with me? On a proper date?"
Rae nodded.
Finn let the breath he was holding out. "Yeah?" He wanted to hear the word from Rae.
"Yeah," she confirmed.
Finn was about to lean in to kiss her when her smile changed. Rae lowered her eyes and her secret smile appeared. It remained in place as she raised her eyes to Finn.
His eyebrows lifted into his fringe. Could her secret smile have something to do with him? He took a quick moment to consider it, every time he noticed it, Rae had been close to him.
"Rae? What are you thinking?" He was on pins and needles.
Batting her eyes she shrugged, "Nothing in particular. I was just thinking about you."
Before she knew what happened Finn's lips were on hers, locking her into their first kiss.
The End
