good times

Who would have thought after all this time.

I, Jaclyn am officially done with having the rug pulled out from underneath my feet.  The past year of my life has been just that.  My mom was diagnosed with a brain tumor in the pituitary gland and underwent surgery about a year ago. It's funny because that was one of the things I couldn't control no matter what my subconscious told me otherwise.  That's when the anxiety started getting really bad.  My way of coping with it was sharing all of the negative thoughts with someone.  That someone was Alex, he was my rock throughout that time.  The day my mom was discharged for the hospital Alex asked me to come to the park to meet him.  When I got there he was tearing up.  I was confused as to what was wrong, i was happier than id been in a while because my mom was finally home, but that feel was temporary as the rug underneath me was about to take a generous tug.  Alex told me he couldn't do it anymore, he couldn't be himself and my support at the same time.  He told me to go to someone with what was happening, but the thought of doing that terrified me.  He pulled me closed and told me goodbye was for the best.  I walked home, i came into the front door and my mom knew identically something was wrong and she asked, if i had gone out to see Alex.  I broke into tears and cried in her arms. She was still weak, she still had the trumpets in her nose to help her breath.  I cried for what felt like months.  Hell maybe it was, that whole summer was the saddest I'd ever been.  Fast forward to the beginning of the school year, my childhood puppy unexpectedly passed away due to a stomach conditions, in just three days he went from being his happy self to being buried in the backyard.  It didn't fully affect me at the time but i was significantly sadder than before.  Two weeks later in this time sequence, my childhood group of friends had recently found out I have anxiety.  It was something I always tried to hide from people.  When someone learns you have anxiety or depression they look at it as a weakness.  I have no interest in pity or attention from anyone due to my health.  Pity wasn't what I received from them.  They cut me out, and turned against me because they thought I was being selfish keeping a secret like that to myself.  I've been told by many counselors, psychologist, parents, and doctors that I have a habit of caring for people too much, putting their health and wellbeing before my own. I never tried to keep it from them, but I kept it to myself afraid the truth would hurt them. Oh boy was I wrong! It gets repetitive trying to please everyone else and failing because of something you can't control.  a few weeks later i was getting better, i had met a group of a few more girls who liked me for me.  But a few months later our friend group fell apart.  One of the girls ended up moving to 900 miles away to texas for her dad's job, while the other girl said she had to leave me because of the same reasons of Alex. It was some of the most frustrating weeks of my life, I couldn't control what i did and i felt like a toxic person.  That takes us to where I am now, I'm sick, depressed, anxious and done.  I require isolation in order to keep myself from harming the people i love and care for.  Summer just began a few days ago and I'm just as i was depressed as i was at this time last year.  My mom signed me up for a reflection contest, it is a PTA organized contest that is about expression or whatever.  It mostly tooks good on collage applications but she thinks it will help me make friends.  I'm not going to do that though, I hurt the people I love, the solution is to not love anyone.  Lets see how this goes....