It's those voices in your head.
The symphony that goes on and on and on. You know? It's like that one song we sung in kindergarten this is the song that never ends, the song that never ends...
Or maybe not. Maybe I'm wrong. But today the voices are screaming. All over the place. So loud, so so so fucking loud. And some of them sound like Elliot, which only makes the voices claw my mind too.
I think my brain is raw now. Yes it's quite raw. I can't distinguish hallucination from realization or allegation or alligator or wait, I meant reality. Yes, I meant reality. I think I meant reality?
Any who, doesn't my grandma say anywho? Yeah I think she said anywho that one Christmas where mom started yelling at you. And I think that's the day you had a panic attack too. Let's go back to what that panic attack felt like shall we?
NO. WE SHALL NOT.
That's something that Shakespeare says right? Fuck. I think I failed my English final. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I can't fail my English final because I might want to do something Englishy with my life after college and god forbid the colleges that I actually want to attend accept a B+ in English.
But do I actually want to pursue something Englishy after college? I mean you never know, I'm only fifteen. FUCK. I'm fifteen. I still haven't gotten my permit. I need my permit. My parents will be pissed if I don't have my permit. And Elliot's already pissed at me. My parent's can't be pissed too. That would be too much piss in my mind. Too much piss for me.
Agh my head hurts, make it stop brain. Please make it stop. I need Advil let me take Advil. When was the last time I took Advil? Can you die from Advil? I hope Advil isn't slowly killing you because then I would be dying right now.
But aren't I already dying since each year older is another year closer to death? Woah, that's depressing. I don't like depressing things, I need to be myself, I need to be happy.
Am I happy right now? No I don't think I am. SHIT. If I'm not happy that means I'm freaking out. I hate freaking out it means I'm having a panic attack which is what I'm having right now.
Well what if my life is just gonna go on and on and on like this? What if the attack becomes everyday so it's no longer a panic attack because that's how my mind just starts thinking like that all the time.
God I really hope not. I really really really hope not. That would suck. Just like right now. Right now sucks. God right now really sucks. I just want right now to be over. Maybe crying would help.
NO. You cannot cry right now. You cannot cry right now. Then your parents would hear, then you wouldn't be happy.
OKay okay so what now? what now what now what now I gotta do something.
Somethingsomethingsomethingsomethingsomethingsomethingsomething
STOP! GAH! GET OUT OF MY HEAD.
I need a walk. You need a walk. Let's walk.
Oh the air is nice. I'm kind of cold though. Can you die from being cold? Is that how I'll die- oh that's definitely better with my coat. I love this coat. now I'm too hot.
And wayyyyy out of breath. WAY out of breath. Wow my heart is pounding. Yikes that does not feel fun. Not fun not fun not fun.
Just look at the sky. Look at the sssssky look at the sky. You gotta calm down.
SHIT! I have that extra class later today.
But I can't see other people I need to stay home I need to lay down. I'm heading back, I need to head back.
My head hurts, I need to lay down. I need to lay dow-.
