chapter three
July 6th, 2013
Dear Diary,
It's been six months and I have no clue what the hell I'm doing. Never in my life have I been a diary person; I can't keep things like this up, and diaries feel too structured to me. I tend to keep my thoughts exactly where they originate: in my head, swimming through grey matter, weaving around optic nerves and insecurities in a dance with no routine. But there comes a time when logic and order must cut in, and I guess that's where I find myself now; a lonely 18 year old with too many thoughts and too many words and nowhere to put them. I can't talk to Ashton anymore, cannot marvel at the wisdom he hides so often, or the inexplicable care and concern laced in his words of advice. So here I am.
It's been six months, as I said, and if I'm honest, I'm okay. I mean of course, I do have these moments, where it all piles up and the loneliness looms large and uncomfortable, growing and expanding to the point of implosion. But on the whole, I'm managing; I'm coping. But all my assurance disappears without a trace when I think of tomorrow. Tomorrow, he's 19. Tomorrow he celebrates his birthday for the first time since we met. And tomorrow I don't get to spend the most important day of the year with him. I have no clue how it's going to go. Will he call? Text? Will he expect me to do that? Would he even reply to my text if I did? That's a thought I don't even want to waste a second on. Either way, I'm now facing the first of the most difficult days of my life. And I'm not sure I'm ready for how things could go.
// an //
ewww dumb ending and short chapter omg apologies ugh
b.f
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advice » irwin
Fanfiction"pick you up if you fall to pieces let me be the one to save you"
