DESTROYED

Scene Six

I pulled up to Green Brook Cemetery. I looked at the tree that I had sat at through my mother’s funeral having the same thoughts I had on that day. My dad, my mom and I were all killed on that day. I still remember every word from the letter I wrote to say goodbye, and those same feelings I felt finally getting hit with everything all at once.

I waited for a couple of minutes trying to fight back tears. My wife could tell this was difficult for me. She grabbed my hand and looked into my eyes, and gave me a reassuring look that I could do this, I could go visit my mom since her funeral.

I got out of the car and walked really slowly to the other side of the car. I wanted to waste as much time as possible, I was really nervous, and I was also mad at myself for not being able to bring myself to coming to my mom's grave. I’ve always been afraid of my mom not being proud of what I’ve accomplished.

I opened the car door and helped my wife out of the car. She is eight months pregnant with a baby girl, and I’m the father. I wanted to come here to show my mom that even though she isn’t here with me that I have accomplished all of this to make her proud.

We both walked slowly to her grave which was in the back away from the main entrance. The main entrance was an arch that was a burgundy color that had engraved flowers. The graveyard had been well kept up, the grass was cut and perfectly level and there were no dead flowers, they were all replaced with fresh new ones. I think to get your mind off of why you were there.

I walked up to my mother’s grave and sat criss-cross-applesauce on the ground and began talking to her. “Mom I hope you are proud of me. I’m going to be a dad, i’m going to have a baby girl. I have a surprise for you, we decided to name her Alexis after you. I still wish that everyday that you would still be alive and that I was having some kind of crazy dream. I was hoping to wake up and we still be having breakfast on tuesday mornings like old times. I have just one question. Are you proud of me? Am I the person you wanted me to be?”

I took a piece of paper out of my pocket that was folded into eighths. I looked over it just to make sure it was perfect and set it at the foot of the grave, rubbed my finger over her name and walked away. I had left another letter for my mom like when I was fourteen.

Dear Mom,

    I know that it has been way too long since I visited you. I want you to know that you're going to be a grandma, and I’m going to be a dad. Her name is going to be  Alexis after you. After you died ifet like I died, I was never quite the same. I have lived in fear since that day that something like that would happen again. Everything that day is still my dream I have every night. I lived in fear thinking would you be proud of me and then I realized that you wouldn’t be because I never visited you, and I’m so sorry it was just so hard to visit the one person I cared for the most dead. I just hope you get it, the one person that I wanted to model my life after taken from me. The attackers didn’t just take your life from you, they took it from me. If I could spend anymore time with you I would sit there and tell you how much I loved you and appreciated everything that you did for me. That day I felt like I joined a club that nobody ever wished to be a part of. The one club people never wished to join. In this club it made it hard to do anything, having people constantly remind you of your loss.  

                                    Love,

                                        Miles