Vitamin U

❥ breaking

She looks up to the ceiling. 

For a second she is okay.

She can hear her breathing stabilise and her thoughts wander as she continues staring at the painted ceiling. Blue; the colour of mindfulness. Blue; the colour of tranquility. Blue; his favourite colour.

No matter how much she tried to escape the thought of him, he kept coming back. She pushed him to the farthest corner of her mind, but he smirks and somehow escapes coming back straight to the center.

Sometimes it feels like a blessing. But it always feels like a curse.

When she thinks of him, she sees a movie. Tousled hair, a trimmed beard, and a slight smile. Dark eyes fanned by thick eyelashes, white shirt, and feet propped jokingly on a coffee table. 

It has been almost two weeks since graduation. Two weeks since she saw his face. The same face she had been seeing almost every day of the week for three years.

"I really wanna see you. I miss you."

"You will when this problem is resolved. Soon, hopefully."

He was referring to a mix up with the deposit for university. A university he'll be attending in a few months. A university on a different continent, seven hours away by plane.

"Don't worry, you know I'll be back for winter and summer breaks. Maybe some weekends too if I'm ever homesick," he had said.

So now, all she has to do was wait for the situation to blow over. If it was ever going to anyway. 

Loving him came as a tsunami. Powerful and unstoppable, the realisation hit all at once. Now, its been three years since the tsunami hit and she realises that missing him comes in waves. For the most part, its manageable. She sees her friends a couple of times a week (distraction #1), she's trying new places and experiences (distraction #2), and she's slowly cleaning up her room and life from things and people who harm more than they help (distraction #3).

The wave usually hits when she's unoccupied and thinking. The wave carries a rock onto her chest, making it harder to breathe. The smell of the salty ocean stings her and brings tears to her eyes. She's hopeful and hopeless, angry and content, happy and upset. She's on top and down below. She knows exactly what she wants, but she doesn't know anything.

Unrequited love is hard. That's one thing she knows for sure.

She should've ended it when she had the chance. That's another certainty. 

Not a day has gone by since February that she doesn't wish that she had ended it.

"Ended what? What are you guys anyway? You aren't dating but you aren't exactly friends."

"We're happy; that's what we are," she said to whomever asked. Its hard to explain the chemistry they had and the dynamics of their friendship. They love each other, but she knew his feelings weren't exactly romantic. They had only spoken about this twice; the first time was three years ago when it all unfolded and she decided to just tell him the truth. After all, she felt that if it all fell apart after she told him the truth then maybe it wasn't meant to be in the first place.

"Listen, I like you. I like like you."

"Why is it so hard to say?" he smirks.

It isn't hard at all, she thought at the time. She didn't quite know what his response yet but that night didn't change their relationship. It never became awkward or weird but they never spoke about it again. Until February.

Him: Where you @?

Him: You dead?

Her: Alive.

Him: What's up? We haven't spoken in 3 days.

Her: Yeah it seems like if I don't check up on you or text you we don't talk at all.

Him: Where is this coming from?

And that's how their biggest fight to date started. They didn't speak for five days. That was the longest period they went without speaking. Five days of bawling and girl nights with lots of junk food, movies, and tissue boxes. Finally, she decided that she had to end it. She couldn't keep suffering from this one sided love and the hypersensitivity it resulted in. Especially because most days he was a clueless wall. 

(A cute one.)

And yet when she finally mustered the courage to go speak to him and just tell him the three words something changed. His immediate attitude was to fix it and talk about their feelings. That was their golden rule: Always talk about it. Always.

"So you ended it? How did it go? Did he cry?"

"Yeah about that..."

"Oh God. Seriously? Seriously. It took me three years to get you to do this and you bail on me? You bail?"

"No, you know that didn't happen."

"Then? What happened? I'd love to know what happened. What changed your mind?"

"Listen, I'm his best friend. I can't do this to him. The thought didn't even cross his mind. It would destroy him."

"See that's your problem right there. This relationship has destroyed you can put you back together more times than I can but you still won't let it go. You're too worried about how it might affect him. What about how it's affecting you? What about you?"

"I love him."

And still not a day goes by that she doesn't regret what she did (or didn't do) in February.

She travels in two weeks. She'll only be gone for twenty days but by the time she comes back he'll be gone. He won't be back until December.

And so each time she proposes an outing he dodges it somehow.

"Remember how you said you'd cut him off after prom? That you'd had enough? That it had run its course and you were 'fed up'? Totally."

Well that was the initial plan. And she didn't speak to him after prom.

Except he kept calling and texting and just being cute and hard to cut off. 

If there was one thing she was proud of, it was her ability to severe emotional connections easily when they became toxic or unidentifiable in the grand scheme of things.

Yeah, was.

One thing led to another and next thing she knew they were making plans for when he came back home in December. Now it feels like he's trying to cut her off and just dodge the last time they see each other in six months. 

Maybe it would just be better if she let this go. She doesn't have to see him one last time before they both left. Maybe it's better this way. Maybe it's easier this way.

Perhaps this is his way of sending a message: It's over.

It just seems like its better this way. She won't text or call him. They've had some amazing times together and she'll always love him. But this was it. All good things come to an end. And this had been good. Spectacular even.

Maybe now she can make space for other guys in her life. This way she can have a shot with someone who felt the same way and was serious about this whole relationship thing.

Yeah, this is what turning the page feels like.

New, fresh, and hopeful.

Full of endless possibilities sans him.

Him: How about Thursday? We could go try the new freakshake place you been wanting to try. What was it called? Black Sink?

Black Tap, by the way.