Shimmer |✓|

//Goddess// Part 3

Ethan drove me back to the castle. We didn't speak the entire ride, but there was something telling in the silence. He had this odd habit of smiling every now and then, and frowning right after like some thoughts adored him, and others were troubling. Strangely enough, his face was a mirror of my every sentiment. 

Finally, he stopped me in the foyer, as Jeeves was closing the door behind us. 

"Mimi--"

"Ethan, I hate damp clothes as much as I hate yellow sundresses--and I'm tired. I know we have a lot to talk about--the spell, Hadrian, Claudia, what we're gonna do about Catherine--the list goes on. Just not tonight. I'm still not feeling so hot, I'm gonna go upstairs and crash--"

"You're lying--you feel amazing. You didn't die in that water, Mimi, you were reborn. Tomorrow, you'll wake up knowing yesterday happened and feeling like it didn't. Even now, that pain, it's already losing it's meaning to you."

"How... Wait. I don't... What?"

"Yeah, we have a lot to talk about."

I nodded, then walked away, careful not to brush against him as I passed. Touching Ethan was no longer something physical. It was emotional. It was spiritual... It was scary as hell.

"Mimi. I know you don't want to re-hash tonight, but sooner or later we have to find a way to work around this. We can't stay silent forever. That didn't work before, it won't work now. If we wanna move past the bad parts, that's now how it's gonna happen."

I took a step up the staircase... then turned and stepped down again, my hand resting on the banister. "Do you remember our conversation by the fire, after you helped me with my magic the first time? You were upset because I was brushing off my feelings about you killing me--which I was. Aren't you doing the same thing? How can you forgive me? For any of this? It's my fault."

"But it's not--"

"It is. I've done terrible things. Ethan, I've nearly killed you as many times as I've saved you. We're standing in one of those places. All I've ever done is hurt you--because I'm selfish--and immature. That's the real reason I betrayed Claudia. And now she's probably going to die, even after she found a way to save me. And that's not even the scariest part. The scariest part is that when I gave her to Hadrian... it was nothing. It was easy--"

"You're damn right--because when you love someone, it is easy. Your life, your happiness--or theirs. Easy decision--and I refuse to blame you for it. What do you think Cloud would have done if she had been in your shoes? Or me? Or anyone? You made that trade to save me, again--because that's what you do, Naomi. That's who you are."

"Or maybe I did it because I'm... soulless." The word had new meaning. I laughed, but not because it was funny. "I'm sorry, I'm just... not much for crying." I hung my head, tucking my locks behind my ear. "We're different people now, Ethan. So you'll try to talk me out of it--because that's who you are. But I deserved this, I deserved to lose my soul. Whatever comes from tonight... I have to accept the consequences. My Wolf? I always took her for granted--now she's gone. I resented her because she was the better side of me. She was smart--wise, she always knew the right thing to do--just like she knew you were too good for me. Now..." I shrugged. "I don't hear her anymore. I can't feel her. I don't even know if I can still shift... But it doesn't matter. After everything I have said and done, losing my Wolf--my soul... it's penance."

Ethan's face fell, like he was half-hinging his hopes on something I had ripped from beneath him: my faith. But he was a soldier, an Alpha. And Alphas carried on. "You didn't deserve any of this, Mimi. And you are not soulless--consider it... displaced. In me." He jammed his hands in his pockets smiling. Ethan normally referred to products to keep his hair under control, but it was starting to curl around the edges in that way he hated. Looking perfect, being perfect, it was no longer his priority. "Look, I'm not going to try to explain our situation--because to be honest, I don't fully understand it either. I just know that I can feel her--I can feel you. And that's why I can forgive you--no questions asked. I don't need to. Mimi, you have done too much for me to turn my back on you ever again--you saved my life, twice. In one night." Ethan stepped forward, then stopped himself, looking off to the side, forlorn. "Losing yourself, in me, it doesn't have to be a bad thing, Naomi. It's not a punishment... Maybe it was fate." Ethan looked me in the eyes... and shimmered.