I went walking a lot, those days after you left. Occasionally, I would return home after walking for hours, unaware I had ever left in the first place. I felt as though I had been trapped in a fog ever since you left, and I didn't know if I would ever make it out unless you came back to me. I knew that you would never come back.
Because that is the nature of these things. You have departed this place, leaving me here, alone, and there is no one left here to comfort me, because that was your job. I would lay awake at night, staring at the ceiling, waiting to feel the bed dip next to me, followed by the warmth of your body next to mine, and it never came. It would never come again.
I would go about my day, feeling okay, feeling like I may finally be getting over it, and I would suddenly be unable to feel anything but sorrow. I would feel tears prick my eyes before falling thick and fast down my face. Others would ask me if I was okay, and I would be unable to answer, because my thoughts were consumed by you. The way your eyes crinkled when you smiled, the gentle curve of your eyelashes against your cheeks when you would fall asleep with your head pressed against my chest, a small smile gracing your lips. And mostly, my thoughts would be consumed by the feeling of absolute peace I would get every time I was around you. It was devastating to know that I would never be able to find that incredible comfort in your presence again.
Sometimes, I was able to block it out. I would have fun with my friends (our friends), I would do things that we used to do together and the pain in my heart would ease to a gentle throb and I was able to ignore it. It wasn't so bad anymore. I could smile, genuinely, and laugh fully, and I didn't feel a pang in my chest reminding me that you weren't here to enjoy these moments with me anymore. Because in a way, you were. I could feel your presence surrounding me, somehow. Maybe it was the fact that our pillows still smelled faintly of you. Maybe it was the fact that when I was drifting off to sleep I could almost imagine that you were beside me. Maybe it was the fact that I had pictures of you anywhere I could, tucked into picture frames and the edge of our mirror, on every table, as the background of both my phone and my thoughts.
It all changed when I lost your ring. I had been wearing it every day since the accident. You had forgotten to put it on the day that everything happened; as soon as I was home, I put it on, and refused to take it off for anything. One day, I reached down to twist it around my finger, a nervous habit I have since tried to end, and it was gone. I had no idea where I could have lost it, and I was devastated. How could I have lost something that meant so much to me, something that I knew had meant so much to you?
After that, I found myself subconciously checking every crack and corner for the shine of sunlight on metal. Some sign that I could retrieve it once more, but there was nothing. I think I knew that I wouldn't find it anywhere I was looking, but I couldn't crush the hope that I would be able to have that piece of you with me once again.
I went walking again, today. I put on my coat and boots, and left our house to walk to the park in the snow. As I passed the threshold of the home we shared for so long, I looked to the sky, staring at the snowflakes falling peacefully from above. As I turned to close the door behind me, I noticed an almost painfully bright beam of sunlight reflecting off of something, too bright to be caused by the snow alone.
Glancing down, I saw a small piece of metal poking out from the snow, as if to alert me of its presence. I stooped down and sifted through the snow to see it closer, and was met by that very ring I had spent so long searching for. I returned it to its rightful place on my hand, and I went on my way, feeling lighter and more free than I had in a long time.
Yes, you are gone, and you will not return, and there will be times when I won't be able to cope with these facts, when I will break down and lose myself in thoughts of you. But I know that as long as I am able to indulge in these thoughts, these memories, you will live on. And I know that as long as I know that to be true, I can continue on living my life until I am able to join you wherever you have gone.
