Jail Joker

Chapter 1

“What did you do now?" asked the policeman sitting across from me, a bored, sick expression on his face.

I leaned back in my chair, totally relaxed as if it was an everyday thing to be sitting in a police station. For me it was. I didn't bother replying because he knew damn well what I did. I wouldn't have been here, looking at his slightly chubby self with his Hitler styled moustache otherwise. His cheeks were red and I smirked when I saw he was desperately trying to appear sober. Someone had obviously gone into the spirit of Paddy's Day yesterday, with his green tie and wristband. I mean seriously, what cop wears a green tie to work?

He exhaled slowly and his warm breath hit my face, reeking of alcohol. I covered my mouth and nose with my hands, trying not to be sick. He froze, probably realizing his mistake.

“It’s not what it looks like." He stammered, wringing his hands in the process which showed me exactly how nervous he was.

I looked at him amused while he avoided my gaze.

He didn’t have much to look at in this small, crappy room. All it had was a desk and a handful of chairs. The nice comfy one for him and then these hard things for us ‘criminals’. No window was in sight and just an ugly house plant to represent some bit of nature. The room was covered in a depressing, dull grey that sucked the life out of you from just being in there.

The only thing of interest in the room was the huge safe that covered the left side of the wall, most likely containing criminal files and their belongings. I studied it closely while he tried to get his voice working again. I was curious now, there would definitely be money in there because criminals got money for whatever work they did while being locked up. Maybe I could get my hands on it. My mind tried to form a quick plan on how to open it. I dismissed it as soon as I saw the small camera, hidden right behind the houseplant. It was facing the safe.

I looked back at the old man in front of me. His eyes still darted from place to place avoiding me. A quick grin came on my face as I thought of something. He whirled his head to look at me, eyes fearful. "You won't tell will you?" I could blackmail him to let me go. And people said I wasn’t smart. I cackled out loud like the secret witch that I am, with a pet unicorn and  mini leprechaun. He jumped at the sudden sound. His hands started to tremble slightly when he saw my grin widen, showing teeth. Surely I couldn't be that terrifying right? I'll have to check my expression out in the mirror later. For now I tried focusing on getting myself out of here.

I stood up and leaned over the desk pretending to intimidate him by towering over him, while I tried to look on the other side of the desk. . I sat back pleased with what I had seen. It would come in handy later if he decided not to co-operate.

“You are either gonna let me go ol' man or see what I got for ya. The choice is yours" I said smoothly, my Irish accent coming through.

Anger overpowered his fear. "You know I can throw you straight into jail right?" he hissed in a low voice.

"Are you threatening me?" I asked him mockingly. "You know I can get you fired in seconds’ right?" I asked, mimicking his tone.

"You can't do that", he argued like a child. The sweat running down his forehead told a different story.

"Yes I can and we both know it." I smirked proudly at my ability to make him pay for taking my money every time I was brought to his hell-hole of a fantasy. “I could make you lose your job and that crappy badge you always show the taxi cabs to get a free ride."

“No you can't!!" he yelled childishly. He smiled smugly and said “they would never believe you over me. A criminal over an officer".

"You’re drunk" I stated in a duh tone.

"They don't know that and you can't prove it" he said triumphantly looking proud of him.

I sighed tiredly at the grown man in front of me, and decided to take some action. I got up, walked around the desk and picked up the bottle of vodka he had been drinking. Walking towards the door I looked back over my shoulder and said "When you're ready to not throw me in jail, then you can get your bottle back, which by the way has your DNA on it". I casually strolled out while he shouted profanities at my back, his voice slightly slurring. I made a big show of swinging the bottle of vodka when I passed the receptionist so she could be a witness if I needed one.

As soon as I got outside, someone threw themselves at me, almost knocking me over. I tried to pull away from the hug of death when I couldn't breathe anymore. Only my best friend Aya could give that type of hug. I quickly pulled away and saved the recording on my phone which had been playing the whole time when I was in the police station. I didn't want any of our conversation in it that could be used as a disadvantage. I had learned my lesson after going into that room so many times. I always recorded our conversations so if needed I could use them against him. This was the best one so far.

Our more "serious" friend stood back with a questioning look on his face. I looked back at Blake as somberly as I could and said “mission is complete boss" in a completely rigid and serious tone. I even went as far as saluting him at the end before I burst out laughing, Aya joining in. “I don't know how you can act so damn serious all the time. You need to lighten up sometimes too ya know. You don't know how hard it was for me to act normal in there. I felt like telling him to shove a cookie up his ass and see if he could reach it just to see his reaction."

He shook his head at us and started walking to the car. “Are ye coming or not?" he murmured over his shoulder, his husky voice sending chills up my spine. He had always had that affect on me whether he knew it or not. We both hopped into the car, me in the passenger seat and Aya in the back texting on her phone. I looked out the window, bored out of my mind so I started to make little " wheeee" noises every five seconds. I knew it would piss him off and right enough he snapped his head at me and practically growled at me to shut up. I, being, me found this hilarious and started doing it again, but this time adding a high pitched "yaay" into my awesome song. He absolutely hated it when someone distracted him while he was driving. My mind never understood why, because I knew he could drive like an expert with just one hand with two whiney kids with him. I knew this from personal experience, because those whiny kids were me and Aya. He slammed on the brakes pulling me out of my thoughts. My head rushed towards the dashboard to give it friendly bump but a hand softened the blow. "What the hell?!" Aya screeched making me wince because she had shot forward through the two seats and her mouth was right beside my ear. She quickly pulled back, frantically searching for her phone which had gone under the seats when the car jerked.

I glanced over at him and hastily tried to put on my innocent façade with the wide eyes and bottom lip sticking out. I even went as far as making it tremble slightly before I saw the killer look he was throwing my way. The innocent face obviously wasn't working. I sighed and gave up, preparing myself for his almighty rant which I knew off by heart now. I looked over at him, waiting for him to begin, but he was still glaring at me. All of a sudden he grinned showing teeth and all. That meant business. He was giving me the you’re-so-dead-when-we-get-home look, while at the same time acting so casual. I knew this wasn't going to be good. I gulped audibly and he smirked seeing my discomfort. I childishly stuck my tongue at him while planning to give him my stash of sweets and cookies in trade for him to leave me alone. He would always torture and tease me by tickling and trust me it's not as funny as it sounds. He started driving again while whistling to himself, as if he hadn’t just threatened to kill me. Huffing to myself I turned to look back out the window.

I think I might have dozed off or something, because next thing I know someone was slapping me on the back of my head. I growled in frustration, still keeping my eyes closed. I absolutely hated it when people did that to me. “Ow”, I cried out, suddenly feeling pain again. That annoying person had started flicking my ear which hurt like crazy. Without looking to see who it was, I turned around and spat at the person. It served them right for waking me up.

I heard Aya scream in horror. I lazily opened one eye to see what was wrong and saw her wiping at her face like there was no tomorrow.

“Ooops”?, I offered in a questioning tone, while laying back in a more comfortable position and tried to go back to sleep. If she woke me again I would literally turn into a killer bee with ninja skills and go crazy on her ass.