Behind Closed Doors (CAMREN)

Chapter 11

Lauren's POV

              Under rising sun, I wake up with my daughter encased in my arms for the first morning in forever. Silver was sleeping peacefully with soft snores sounding from her lips. She was sleeping on my forearm. I slowly slip my arm from under my daughter, who didn't move. I wonder what she's dreaming of.

              I sleepily rub my eyes and stretch out my body before standing up and walking to the bathroom. The mirror bared a raw version of myself. My eyes faded gray as the truth dawned on me. My body looked thin and weak as if I was the prisoner of my own war, even though in reality it was just beginning.

              I turn the water on in the shower, setting it to a warm temperature. As the water rained down in the shower, I grab my towel and peel off my clothes. My towel neatly set on the door. I step into the warmer water that burns at my skin at first. It is warmer than it is normally. I hoped it would make me feel something.

              I didn't seem to be capable of love anymore. My lover had walked out on me for the man that turned my world into darkness. Maybe it isn't him, maybe it is Camila that helped. I hoped that I could've been more than I turned out, what was once candlelight turned into darkness.

              Once the first tear fell from my eyes, the rest broke loose. My body rocks and thrashes with uncontrollable quiet sobs, unheard under the pouring water. Nothing could cure me of the feelings I felt for her. I leaned on the wall stuttering over breaths. I sank to my knees, struggling to regain myself mentally and physically. My hands claw lightly at my face in vein of what made Camila go away, in vein of the unknown.

              The water poured over my cracking soul, not cleansing, nor curing. It sat as a cover while I rock back and forth. I was my own ocean under the water, the shower was the rain, and my body was the ship, slowly sinking, only to go down the drain. My hands claw lightly at my hair as I scream in silence, not wanting to hurt the girl who's laying in my bed.

              I shove at thin air, willing my thoughts to leave. I wonder whether or not this is all a game. Did Austin play her once again, leading her in his arms only to drag her back out? Like playing a pin ball machine with a string tied quarter you pulled out to play again once you failed. Was this a game to him? And how much did losing her cost?

              I scratch above my heart as if I can open my ribs and pull out the beating, soul filled organ. If my heart was gone, would I feel again? Would I love again? Could I even love again?

              The aroma of coffee filled the house, as I stood in the kitchen cooking breakfast for Silver, who sat on the couch watching old cartoons. I smile once I see what she's watching. Tom and Jerry, the old show of cat and mouse. The true chasing of cat and mouse. I smile, but in reality it was a fake frown, my life was a cat and mouse the situation. Back and forth, back and forth.

              I pour myself a glass of black coffee, I wanted it plain today. The bitterness waking me up and allowing me the feeling to think clearly.

              "Silver," I direct with a smile. "Come make yourself a glass of juice while I get the cinnamon rolls out of the oven please."

              I watch as Silver reluctantly gets up from her spot on the couch and grab a cup that she could reach on the counter, and opens the fridge as I pull out the burnt rolls. I could never make a batch that didn't have a burnt bottom.

              "Mommy?" Silver asks as I put the rolls on an oven mit on the counter. "Why is our picture gone?"

              "Which one?" I ask curiously, walking over to the smaller girl's side. I notice the missing watercolor painting, the one of the three of them including Camila. Silver painted it for the fun of it one day when Camila wasn't doing well in the hospital.