Jenny Downham Before I Die

Ten

Dad says, ‘Hey, you’re up!’ Then he notices the mini-dress I’m wearing and his lips tighten. ‘Let me guess. You’re seeing Zoey?’

‘Anything wrong with that?’

He pushes my vitamins to me across the kitchen table. ‘Don’t forget these.’ Usually he brings them up on a tray, but he won’t have to bother today. You’d think that’d make him happy, but he just sits there watching me swallow pill after pill.

Vitamin E helps the body recover from post-irradiation anaemia. Vitamin A counters the effects radiation has on the intestine. Slippery elm replaces the mucous material lining all the hollow tubes in my body. Silica strengthens the bones. Potassium, iron and copper build up the immune system. Aloe vera is for general healing. And garlic – well, Dad read somewhere that the properties of garlic are not yet properly understood. He calls it vitamin X. All washed down with unprocessed orange juice and a teaspoon of unrefined honey. Yum, yum.

I slide the tray back in Dad’s direction with a smile. He stands up, takes it to the sink and clunks it down. ‘I thought,’ he says, turning on the tap and swirling water round the bowl, ‘that you were feeling some nausea and pain yesterday.’

‘I’m fine. Nothing hurts today.’

‘Don’t you think it might be wise to rest?’

Which is dangerous territory, so I change the subject rapidly and turn my attention to Cal, who is mashing his cornflakes into a soggy pile. He looks just as glum as Dad.

‘What’s wrong with you?’ I say.

‘Nothing.’

‘It’s Saturday! Aren’t you supposed to be glad about that?’

He looks fiercely at me. ‘You don’t remember, do you?’

‘Remember what?’

‘You said you’d take me shopping in half term. You said you’d bring your credit card.’ He closes his eyes very tightly. ‘I knew you bloody wouldn’t!’

‘Calm down!’ Dad says in that warning voice he uses when Cal begins to lose it.

‘I did say that, Cal, but I can’t today.’

He looks at me furiously. ‘I want you to!’

So then I have to, because it’s in the rules. Number two on my list is simple. I must say yes to everything for one whole day. Whatever it is and whoever asks it of me.

I look down at Cal’s hopeful face as we step out through the gate and suddenly feel a lurch of fear.

‘I’m going to text Zoey,’ I tell him. ‘Tell her we’re on our way.’

He tells me he hates Zoey, which is tough, because I need her. Her energy. The fact that things always happen when she’s around.

Cal says, ‘I want to go to the playground.’

‘Aren’t you a bit old for that?’

‘No. It’ll be fun.’

I often forget he’s just a kid, that there’s a bit of him that still likes swings and roundabouts and all that stuff. Not much to harm us in the park though, and Zoey texts back to say fine, she was going to be late anyway and will meet us there.

I sit on a bench and watch Cal climb. It’s a spider’s web of ropes and he looks so small up there.

‘I’m going higher!’ he shouts. ‘Shall I go right to the top?’

‘Yes,’ I shout back, because I promised myself. It’s in the rules.

‘I can see inside planes!’ he yells. ‘Come and look!’