Set Me Free (Lesbian Story)

Chapter 1 - Faking It

I stared blankly at the red numbers blinking in the darkness from my night stand. 1:07 a.m. I sighed as I felt Lewis' sleeping form breathing deeply and evenly beside me, oblivious to my inner turmoil.Tossing the covers aside, I got up and picked my clothes off the floor, dressing silently and heading into the living room to watch some t.v.

"You're still awake?"

I jumped slightly at the sound of my roommate and cousin Ainsley's voice. She was sprawled out on the couch, bathed in a dull blue glow from the muted t.v with the remnants of an entire feast spread around her. Moving and empty pizza box aside, she sat up and looked at me.

"Uh,yeah... I couldn't really sleep." I ran a hand through my shoulder-length hair and sighed. Ainsley gave me a knowing look, but there was something else in her deep blue eyes.

"What?"I asked her.

She arched an eyebrow at me, but said nothing, patting the the space beside her on the couch instead. I moved over and flopped down,tucking my legs under me and leaning my head on her shoulder.

"I don't understand, Marley." She huffed in annoyance. Stroking my hair, she softened her tone. "You don't have to tell him, but you shouldn't lead him on either. You know it's wrong. So why are you making yourself miserable?"

I didn't answer her at first, thinking slowly about my answer. It's not that I didn't love Lewis, I did. He was one of my very best friends,apart from Ainsley and Zoey. I just didn't love him the way he deserved, or the way he thought I did. But how could I tell him that I felt nothing being with him? That would break his heart, and I didn't want to do that to him.

"You're going to break his heart no matter what, Mar." Ainsley told me,giving me a sad smile. "It's better to do it sooner, rather than later. He's going to be angry, but maybe one day he'll forgive you.But in order for him to do that, I think you need to tell him the truth. We're almost 2,000 km away from home, I think it's time."

I stared at the t.v, processing what Ainsley had told me. In order for Lewis to not hate me, I'd have to tell him I'm a lesbian. Honestly, I think that would make him hate me even more. He'd think that I was using him, which in a way I suppose I was. He had asked me out eight months ago, and it was a perfect way for me to pretend I wasn't what I was, so I said yes. I wish I hadn't let it come this far. I should never have said yes to him in the first place. I should be proud of who I am. But instead, I'm scared. Scared of myself, and of the reactions of everyone close to me if I told them.

"Just...Think about what I said, okay? And remember, I still love you, no matter what. Lewis will come around eventually." Ainsley said,exhaustion clear in her voice. "It breaks my heart to see you hurting so badly, Marley. Your dad would be proud of you for being brave enough to be yourself. Let that be enough for you."

With that, Ainsley kissed the top of my head, and padded down the hallway to her room, leaving me there with my thoughts. The wheels turned as I took in everything she said to me. I couldn't keep living a lie,but I was so scared of what was waiting for me on the other side of the metaphorical closet door.

"Babe?Are you okay?"

Lewis'sleepy voice broke me out of my reverie. I gave him a small smile and told him I was fine, and that I'd be back to bed in a minute. I grabbed a light jacket from the hall closet, slipping on my vans as I opened the back door. Standing on the small balcony, I lit a cigarette and let the smoke wind its way through my lungs, watching the way it lazily danced through the air. It's a dirty habit, I know,but it calms me in a way I can't quite explain. I inhaled again,watching the ever-busy Toronto traffic pass below me.

I turned and ashed out my cigarette, heading back inside and to bed.Hopefully now I'd be able to get some sleep, and try to figure out the whole hey-Lewis-I'm-a-lesbian thing tomorrow.

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The sound of clothes rustling as Lewis got dressed pulled me out of my light sleep. I cracked one eye open to see him pulling a shirt over his admittedly nice body. I stretched and yawned, sitting up slowly and running my fingers through my sleep-disheveled hair.

"Good morning beautiful," Lewis said, kissing me lightly on the lips.

"Morning,"I said, watching him get ready to go. Thankfully it was a Saturday and I had no classes or work today, so I could take my time getting up.

"There's a fresh pot of coffee on the counter, I figured I'd make you some before I left. I really have to get going though, so I'll see you later?"

At the mention of coffee, I jumped up and made my way into the kitchen,mumbling some sort of affirmation at Lewis so he knew I heard the rest of his sentence. As I was adding my milk and sugar, Ainsley came wandering into the kitchen, grabbed a mug and poured her own coffee.

"Thanks Lewis!" She called down the hall.

Chuckling,he came into view, backpack slung over his shoulder and waved at us both before leaving the apartment. As the door shut, I turned to my cousin waiting for her to say something. To my surprise, she let it go and just sipped on her plain black coffee, a strange look on her face.

"Penny for your thoughts, cuz?" I asked her.

"I was just thinking, we should throw a party tonight. Nothing too big!"She exclaimed, noticing my wary look, "Just, a few people from both our programs. You Video Game Design nerds need to get out more. And us fashion students know how to bring it."

I narrowed my eyes at her, before laughing along. I hate to fit a stereotype, but she's right. Those of us in the video game design and programming courses don't get out much due to an overbearing mountain of never-ending homework. A party could be fun. I shrugged at Ainsley.

"Sounds cool. But no more than like 20 people, okay? Our place isn't that big and I don't want the neighbours to hate us."

She waved her hand at me, already on the phone texting a bunch of people from her classes no doubt. I walked into my room and sat at my computer desk with the intent of working on some of my homework.Instead, I was faced with my Steam library and decided an hour or two of gaming couldn't hurt. I put on my headset and launched Dying Light. Killing zombies was always fun.

My computer was my pride and joy. Custom built by yours truly, it was a fast machine, capable of running 60 frames per second on ultra graphics setting for even the most visually complex game. It's an expensive hobby, but I only had to replace parts occasionally. Even then, I didn't really need to... I just liked having top of the line parts for my computer.

After about two hours of zombie killing and an hour of Overwatch, I finally decided it was time to shower and start some homework. It was only noon, but I thought it'd be best to get something done before Ainsley's party. I quickly sent a mass text to some people in my program, Zoey, the only other girl, Gregory, who hates being called Greg, Hayden, Mason and Kai. Tossing my phone onto my bed, I grabbed a towel and some clothes, and headed into the bathroom to shower.

As I stood under the hot water, I couldn't stop thinking about my conversation with Ainsley last night. I knew I needed to tell Lewis soon, and end it. Unfortunately, I let it get too far and had been incredibly selfish. He's a good-looking guy, and any girl would be lucky to be with him. He's kind, caring and attentive. But here I was, lying to him. I wouldn't blame him if he never spoke tome again. The whole situation sent an ache to my heart as I remembered Hannah Shaw, my first girlfriend, that I had been with for months, before I found her in bed with some guy and she told me she was actually straight and had been using me to explore her bi-curiosity. Suddenly, the guilt rolled over me and I felt as if I were only 3 inches tall as I realized I was no better than her. My eyes filled with tears, and I felt drained mentally and emotionally.

I needed to tell Lewis. Tonight.