Dreaming of You

Day 104 since you broke my heart

It's after five in the morning, and I'm crying. I used to live for the days when I would stay up until the streetlights would begin to go out. Now, I just want to fall asleep so I can stop thinking about how much you mean to me.

We had creative writing class together. In class, we had to write detailed critiques of the stories from our classmates. Somehow, I always got stuck critiquing your work. I would draw smiley faces and make notes in the margins of your stories, and I always hoped you read them.

I'm always amazed by what you wrote. It's beautiful because you were so real. I didn't just write nice things because I like you. I mean them even though you've made me feel like I've been hit by a bus twenty seven times. Your writing makes me feel so many different things that I can only hope I made you feel with mine.

One day, my friend sent me a message that you sent to her where you said that you read my comments about your writing whenever you get sad.

I danced around my dorm room and closed my eyes and smiled. For once, I didn't even care that the blinds were open and anyone could see me dancing like a fool.

I think about this a lot. From time to time, I go back through the photos in my phone and look at what you said about me. I wonder if you really did read my comments when you were sad. I wonder if you thought about me. If I gave you a sense of comfort. If I made you feel safe. If I was someone you could trust.

I think about you always. You gave me comfort in the sense that I felt lucky to be closer to love. You made me feel safe because when you looked at me, I felt like I could face my worst nightmares. When your eyes met mine, I felt happy. I had never understood what it had felt like to be that happy. I trusted you. I would have told you anything you wanted to know and not been afraid.

I don't know anything anymore. I don't know how I can be awake and see my room start to be filled with light. I don't know how I wake up every morning and get through the day without smiling about you. I don't know how I can get up and act like you don't care that you are everything that I ever want. That I would do almost anything to be with you again.

I find myself wishing a lot these days. That you would read my messages. That you could find it in your heart to forgive me. That I was worth something to you. I wish that I didn't mess up the best parts of my life. That I wasn't so stupid sometimes. I hope that sometimes I cross your mind throughout the day. That you know what you lost. That I wasn't a mistake to you.

I wish for countless things. I wish that you would come back so often that it hurts. I hope that you haven't tried to erase the way I feel about the beautiful things that you do. If there's anything that I'm wishing for in this world, I'm wishing that you didn't throw away what I said.