Kyle and JJ were invited to the annual pig roast held by The Grave Riders MC. It was a loud and festive event held every year, and the club invited family members and others from the community to party and lay plans for the MC's other charity endeavors for the rest of the year. JJ took Kyle's hand as they walked the four blocks to open field in the park where the pig roast was held every year. He kissed her lightly on the cheek.
The party was already in full swing and the two could hear the music from even as far away as they were. As they approached it was clear that the whole town was present, which made Kyle nervous. He hated crowds, it disturbed him to see so many people moving and wriggling by one another. In very large crowds it caused an image to manifest in his mind of maggots clustering and squirming in every direction. He felt his heart rate begin to speed along with his breathing. Kyle took a couple deep breaths to try to get his body back under his total control.
Kyle loosened up a little when the two were greeted by Pomeroy, one of the members of the club and he welcomed them both. He was a well known and well liked member of the community, one of the first who would come to anyone's aid in need. Kyle noticed a smell in the air and it was a familiar scent, that made his stomach churn when a group of people passed by in front of him revealing the actual pig on the spit being turned over the open fire pit. His body locked up and he felt the sudden shock. If there was such a thing as a soul, and it could literally be ripped from the body, leaving you numb both emotionally and physically. Kyle imagined that this shock was the process of it happening. His doctor had told him that it was a symptom of PTSD, that whenever a situation or a set of reminders that took him back to the point where the initial trauma occurred his body would go into this same state.
He was just a boy when his father ran off with another woman leaving his sister and he alone with his mother who took to drinking. He remembered that night, the night that it happened so vividly in this moment as the roasting pig stared at him with empty sockets in it's slow motion rotation.
His mother had already drank half of a fifth of bourbon, the ash tray at her side was over flowing. "Kyle, I have some motherly advice for you, come here." Her eyes were heavy and half closed and she smelled of bourbon and cigarette smoke, he noticed as he approached. Her words were slow and slurred but plain enough for him to understand. "Son, I know you are young now, but there is going to come a day when you start to develop feelings. You will know it when it happens, and son when it does....guard your heart. You hear me? Guard your heart and guard it well, because the person you love and the person who loves you and almost never the same." That was it, those were his mother's last words to him. The old timers always warned against smoking in bed. Kyle smelled the smoke and immediately started following his safety training from school on what to do in case of a fire. He became aware of the ear piercing sound of the smoke alarm and his sister's screams. "Mommy, mommy There's a fire!" Kyle made his way to his sister and told her to go downstairs. "But what about mommy?" She cried. "I'll get mom, you just get out now and get yourself safe." sobbing the little girl did as her big brother had asked. Kyle didn't want to think about why his mother had never answered the screaming of her daughter, because it had been her room that the smoke was coming from. Kyle turned to follow his sister to safety, but hesitated. What if mom's alive and she's just passed out? He couldn't leave his mother behind, if there was a chance to save her, and so he turned back toward her door and kicked it in. The heat and the smoke and that sickening smell hit him all at once and as the bulk of the smoke that had been bottled up cleared, he saw her, what was left of her. Half the room was on fire. He heard the sound of sizzling body fat and flames roaring and crackling and that was the first time. That was where the trauma had occurred. He must have went on autopilot after that, because he could not remember getting out of the house. He could only vaguely remember telling his sister that their mom was gone.
He caught his breath and realized he had been holding it as he stared into the empty eye sockets of the roasting pig, windows into his past. He had went forever before finally getting diagnosed with PTSD, for the longest time that was only seen as something soldiers come home from war with. He was 11 when he found out a truth that many twice his age had yet to learn, that we are all soldiers, we're just fighting different wars.
"Breath, try to relax" JJ , who knew what was happening to him, began coaxing him back, little by little. Someone from the neighborhood came up from behind and clapped Kyle on the shoulder making start suddenly. "Whoa, you alright man?" The guy asked handing him a beer. With shaky hands Kyle accepted it. "Thanks...Yeah, I'm alright, just another day." He said.
