I walk towards her, the gravel crunching beneath my feet. I lower my body, slowly so I don’t injure myself, considering my age, and I take a seat in front of her. I smile and say,
“Hey Catnip.”
I know this sounds crazy, but I swear I see her smile on the tombstone, and I can hear her laugh. I stay smiling, because that is what she does to me, even when she has passed.
I only realise I have started crying when the big fat teardrop has reached the bottom of my cheek. Before I can stop myself the tears are running from my eyes like a waterfall. Even after all this time, all these visits, I still can’t stay strong.
“I was never strong enough for you. I was never good enough for you. You deserved Peeta, you deserved happiness.”
I can feel a sob choking my chest, as memories of the pain I caused her with Prim flood back, the pain I caused her. The misery in her eyes after the war have haunted me since I saw it in her eyes all those years ago, when she told me she wanted me out of her life. I wanted so badly to just wrap her up in a hug and my love and kiss her, to make everything better for her. But she had Peeta, a much better person than I am.
“I know I say this every time, but it will never be enough. I am so sorry about Prim. I am so sorry I took her life and with it your happiness. I have never forgiven myself and I never will.”
I place the pink Primrose I have brought with me delicately on her grave. I pick up the withering pink one I put there last time. With a sad smile that doesn’t reach my eyes I tell her,
“See, at least this Primrose is still alive, still here, still with you.”
This is something I have done since I first managed to put my selfish pain behind me and come visit her.
I tell her about my day, about how things have been since I last visited. I tell her about how her kids are going, how my all my siblings are going.
“Katniss, I love you. I know I tell you this now instead of when you were alive. I know I ruined things with us and that you deserved Peeta because you loved him and he stayed with you and you deserve what you want not some shitty guy like me. I know I didn’t have a chance, but I also know I love you. I couldn’t take my eyes off of you since I first saw you when they were honouring your dad. The way you held Prim’s hand, trying to take all the pain from her and protect her. I remember when you were so hopeless in the woods at first, but you were still making an effort. I remember when you were too shy to speak properly to me. I remember the first time you shot a turkey, the pride so evident on your face. I remember when you stepped in for Prim, the selflessness was overwhelming. I remember our first kiss, all of our kisses. I remember all of your kisses with Peeta I saw too. I don’t have any problems remembering the love I felt for you, because I still feel it.” I don’t remember starting to cry, but my face is covered in streaming tears. Why did she have to die! Why was it her! Why wasn’t it me! She deserved to live forever with Peeta and her family, but no. Her and Peeta have both died of old age by now and I live on, when it should be the other way round. I should have been the one blown up, not Prim. I should have been the one reaped, not Prim. This is so frustrating. I scream and tug on my remaining hair, but that won’t change anything. I have to keep calm, I can’t freak out at Katniss’s grave. Katniss’s grave. Why is it her? Why did she have to die? I don’t have these answers, no one does but yelling the questions helps.
“Why did you die Katniss? Why? I loved you, I still do. You were so much better than me, than anyone, why did you die? I need you Katniss. Even if you were alive and avoiding me, it’s better than, than this!” I point down to her tombstone on my last words. No, I’m not yelling at Katniss’s grave, not again. I take a deep breath in, and smile a sad smile that in no way shows what consumes me deep inside takes over my face.
“Sorry about that,” I mumble, embarrassed about my rage. I lightly kiss my fingers, than place them on the soil as I whisper, ‘I love you.’ I close my eyes, holding the tears in and I place my three middle fingers gently to my lips, then towards the sky. “For you, Catnip.”
