Hopeless Wanderer: Beauty In The Sky

*Note that the beginning is slow and short due to the fact that not a lot of important things happen but it is critical to know. The italic paragraphs are beyond the present meaning the past narrated in present tense* Enjoy updates every Friday

Introduction: July 2012

My heart feels like a thousand pounds. And my soul feels a lot heavier. Questions run through my mind. Am I in love or am I in fear? Fear of what? My life has crumbled down into infinity. There's no point of continuing like this. What am I saying? What am I thinking? Honesty can’t buy me time anymore. Its so close to my heart, the feeling I have that feeling of melting into my boiling point. It sounds like I’m in chemistry again. The feeling of exploding runs through my skin, my veins, my face. Whether I like it or not I feel it deep inside me. I can’t control how I feel nor can I say it to someone. I’m somewhere in the point of dying or being a weak as bitch.

It calls my name, its there in sight, one more hit and I am done. I need a hit. One more shot. I can't see. Hold it together Mia.

Where am I?

I feel my tears inside of me, I feel the desire to die. I am so close of dying. I want to die. Just grab the knife. Yes hold it, you can do it Mia, what am I doing? Why am I killing myself?

You can do...

The moment of calling came, my brother called my name. he entered through the door looking for me. I hid the knife under my mattress. That moment I was in a nano-second to commit suicide. My brother saved me unknowingly. I like to think that something else saved me. I was listening to the radio, I've been here for 45 minutes contemplating my suicide. I never understood why I had not done it sooner. Listening to Thriving Ivory saved me as I like to think " Angels One The Moon" saved me. This wasn't the first time I was suicidal.

" You can tell me all your thoughts

About the stars that fill polluted skies

And show me where you run to

When no one's left to take your side

But don't tell me where the road ends

'Cause I just don't wanna know

No I don't wanna know

Don't tell me if I'm dying

Don't tell me if I'm dying "

I can hear the song fading and my heart starts racing. Why haven't I been able to do this. I have felt this urge of suicide for a long time and yet I'm here breathing.

A long story of suicide attempts. I was 8 years old when I told my best friend I was suicidal. That didn't lead to nowhere other than I was crazy...