❀ ranting anonymously ❀

.: im petrified :.

every. single. person. has turned against me.

i don't understand. i don't understand what i did so bad. i've been trying to grab onto this music, that crazy incident that happened like three weeks ago now, but they're slipping through my fingers and i'm falling down.

as i'm writing this, i'm sobbing in my bed. as i'm writing this, i can feel my insides crumbling away and leaving me numb, a waste of a body, an empty shell. my head is out of my body, and i can't go to my headspace because they call me a freak.

i've thrown up twice already, just the yellow burning water like usual, but it's left this taste in my mouth. it's left this coat on my teeth and it's making hurt swell inside me, like all the stomach acid has been poured into my veins and is wrapping around my
bones.

it's tightening now, i can feel it. i feel it when i text you and all i get are 'read' signs. yes, i can see those. i do know what those are. i can also see when you make fun of me, when you trip me up, when you hit me, when you shout and me to make me feel worse.

but guess what.

i can't feel worse.

i cannot physically feel worse, i cannot breathe, i am suffocating and i am dying. i have been ill for three long months, i have been trying to keep up my relationship but i'm the only person who doesn't make her happy so what use am i? i am dying. i am falling. i am not okay anymore, i can't. everything hurts, breathing hurts, breathing squeezes my lungs so the air is restricted in my chest. contact makes my skin burn, yet the need of a hug, some kind of affection is still there.

there's no fight left in me.