Letting go.

I love you, goodbye.

4/17/01

Dearest Kyreen,

Naiyak naman ako sa letter mo. 

Mas maswerte ka sa akin. Kasi ikaw, you did your best in our relationship. Wala kang panghihinayang.  Ako, madami.  Too late na para matuto.  I have learned my lessons in a hardest way losing YOU.

I AM SORRY.

I know sorry is not enough for everything I have done to you. For all the wounds  I have inflicted on you, for all the sacrifices you have made, for all the sufferings you have borne, for all the pains I have caused you, for all the lies, for all the shortcomings.

THANK YOU.

Thank you for everything. For bringing out the best in  me.  For teaching lessons in life. For always being there.  For loving the persons I love. For sharing your life with me. For simply being you. For understanding  and  loving  me.

I wish I could turn back the time.  Pero ang pagsisisi lagi naman nasa huli.  Frankly, I  want to keep you.  I dont want to let you go.  You are too precious to let go. I know it is selfishness on still holding you.  I have held you for a long time.  I deprived you of something I cannot give.  I have deprived you of your freedom.

Once,  you asked me kung ano ang diperensya mo? WALA. Ako ang  may diperensya.  My stubbornness, my pride, my selfishness.

You always teach me lessons. Academics o  practical. Math, English ng ganito, history ng ganyan.  Different philosophies in life.   You always want me to forget the bad things but not the lessons you have learned from them. Na wag akong mag-isip ng masama sa iba  at ipagpaubaya na lang sa Diyos ang lahat. Dont let anger live in your heart. Yan ang mga philosophies mo sa buhay eh.  But now , let me share you kung ano ang natutunan ko sa atin.  And I know you will also learned from this.

I took your love for granted.  Kasi alam ko andyan ka lang. Too late, I have lost you. Minsan, learned to voice out don't accept everything. Haba kasi ng pisi mo eh. Learn to fight. Yes, you have your own style of fighting, pero minsan, kailangan rin na marinig ka. Kung ano ang gusto mo, ayaw mo.

You bring out the best in me, but I'd become dependent on you. I let you do that, do this.

You've been so kind to me that's why I abused you.  Minsan 2 hands na ang binibigay mo. Gusto pa pati arms mo kunin. Di lang sa akin, pati sa mga kaibigan at pamilya mo.

You trusted me so much.  I know kahit me doubts ka,  you just let love take over and trust me more. Matalino ka, nababasa mo moves at sinasabi ko.  But you tend to ignore the warning signs..You just trusted me.

You are contented to let me shine., that's your way.(para bang kanta)  Kahit ikaw nasa backstage lang. Masaya ka na kahit ako lang ang nagtatagumpay. My happiness is your happiness.

You let me plan and dream for myself.minsan di na kita nasasama.  Oks  lang sa yo.  You are happy na me plano at dream ako sa buhay, on the deeper side, di ka na pala kasama.

You thought me how to face the problem, lagi kasi akong tumatakbo.  Laging naka-hang.  Hoping that time will erase those problems.  Pero mali. I should decide. I should make decisions. Di pwede tumakbo lagi. I have to choose.

Di ba sabi ko sa yo, maaga kasi kitang nakilala eh. I know, ikaw ang gusto ko makasama habang buhay.  I want you to be my wife and mother of my kids.  I am reserving you. Tinikman ko muna yung buhay binata. But alas! Natrap na ako sa quicksoil na di na ako makaahon.

I WILL MISS YOU.

I know I will miss your paglalambing. Yun tipong  bigla ka na lang kikiss at yayakap sa akin. FLOPPY, hehehhe.  Your thoughtfulness. Lagi kang me dalang pagkain for me. Tipong inaalala mo lagi kung nagugutom na ako at pag-aalaga mo sa akin pag me sakit ako.  Your sense of humor, yung pagka-corny mo, nagdedeliver pa lang ng jokes at wala pa yung punchline, tumatawa na. Akala mo sa joke mo ako natawa no? Yung pagsulat mo ng letters every month ng anniversary natin at pagcompose mo ng tula for me. Yung pagkanta mo ng wala sa tono, ala Christine Jacob ba.  Yung pageexplain mo ng bagay-bagay na me analogy pa.  Your hearty appetite, makipagsabayan ba naman lagi ng double rice sa akin, lumobo ka tuloy.  Yung kakulitan mo  na mapapa-OO ka na lang dahil sa kulit.  Yung bigla ka na lang tatawag at mag-iilove you sa phone.  Yung pagmomodel mo sa harap ko.  Your surprises.  I wont forget na nagset ka ng surpise party nun bday ko.  Nagserve yung waiter ng cake nung anniv natin. At yung crossstich na  pinaghirapan mong gawin na natapunan mo pa  ng kape. Yung wallet na regalo mo na  may picture mo na hindi matanggal. Yung paglagay mo ng ulo mo sa balikat ko sabay hawak sa braso. Yung pagkiliti mo sa akin,  Yung pag tinotopak ka na magyaya ka kung saan-saan. Mamimiss talaga kita.

I know we've been through thick and thin. My family adores you. Lalo na father ko.  Mas mahal ka pa yata non kesa sa akin eh.  I remember how you took care of my father nung me sakit sya.  Kung paano pati ikaw namroblema ng pambayad sa kidney transplant.

Ikaw ang kasama ko nung nag-aaral ako,  problems sa thesis, assignments, projects.  Nung graduation. Even sa paghahanap ng trabaho. Even problema sa trabaho, kasama kita magsolve.   I know, we had so many dreams then.

Only now in memories. Naiiyak nga ako pag naaalala ko.

Again, I am sorry.  You will always be a part of me.  A  part that cannot be moved and taken away from me.  All I want to do is to hug you tight and never let you go.  I LOVE YOU. You just don't know how much I love you.  How much I treasure you. Your right,  no matter how hard we tried, some things are not meant to be. I am really sorry. I wont expect you to believe now.  But heaven knows how much I love you. 

You've been such a good person.  Tama ka, me plan ang God for you.  Malakas ka naman sa Kanya. Kaya pagdasal mo din ako ha?  Sabi mo nga this is the right decision.  Ikaw, I will always pray for you too. Hope that you find the man who will accept, love and take hold of you forever.

Somewhere out there, I know mas may deserving sa love mo.  I am just a fool to let go of that chance. I lost a diamond, while busy collecting stones.

You are my diamond, my angel, my honey. Im gonna miss you, Kyreen.

Di ba biro ko nga sa yo.  Kung di man ngayon, baka after life pagdating ng panahon, tayo pa rin.

Ingat ka lagi

I LOVE YOU.

Always,

Kevin