The color of moving on

Take a breath

I would be in third period now, I think to myself, glancing at the clock. I'm at home today, unable and unwilling to face being at school. I wasn't sure that my mother could get any more distant, but after our last incident she's been out of the house before I wake up and home after I'm asleep. That situation made it easy for me to call and say I wasn't feeling well, which wasn't technically a lie. This had all started a day prior, when seeing Summer after the weekend felt like a breath of fresh air.

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"Man," she started, dramatically looking at me. "Mondays SUCK." I nodded sympathetically, secretly glad to be back at school if for nothing else to distract from what was outside of it."You know what would make this monday better?" She asked, slowly getting up from our lunch table. "Chips." I nodded and watched her get up, leaving me alone at the table. Lost in thought, I didn't hear her walk back, until she sat down in front of me. "Where are mine?" I asked, only half-joking. "Ha ha, very funny," she rolled her eyes as she replied. "Whoa," I started dramatically, "You didn't get me any chips? Bad friend." "Well, you'd better stick with me, seeing as I'm the only one here." She retorted. Now it came my turn to roll my eyes, stating "Mean, but true." "Yeah," she continued, "You looked pretty sad sitting here, all alone. It's a good thing I came along." I swallowed heavily, unsure of what to say next. "So you only sat here because you felt bad for me?" I asked, softer than she likely expected. Her eyes widened, and she was quick to respond. "No, well I, I mean.... I'm sorry Orion." I had heard enough, so I grabbed my bag and ran away, with no destination in mind. I quickly made up my mind, and opened the door to the bathroom. Scanning the stalls, I made sure I was alone, and then locked myself in one. All of a sudden, I felt the events of the present and past catch up to me. Tears flooded my eyes, and I heaved in the pain. Summer was the one reason I hadn't given up yet, and now I knew that she only befriended me out of pity.

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As I thought more and more about our friendship, it made sense why she had done what she did. She was pretty, fun, and outgoing, so why hadn't she been quickly absorbed into a group of pretty, fun, and outgoing girls? Because she felt bad for me. And sitting with me, not knowing my reputation and history, that killed her chance at having a normal start at school. She probably only stuck with me because she couldn't go anywhere else. Our sad little lunch table had gotten a lot sadder. I should've known, seeing as nobody who knew me wanted to be my friend. So here I was, alone on a school day. My house, without the bustling work-voice of my mother, felt almost abandoned as I walked the halls. It was ghostly, and I wondered if my house would feel any different without me here. Something sharp came over me. Would anywhere feel different without me? People at school would probably just be happy to see a lunch table open up, not even noticing or caring that I was gone. My mother, depending on how late she worked, might not even notice for a few days. And once she did? Maybe she would be sad for a little bit. But overall, wouldn't her life be better without me here to mess up her order? "Summer would miss me," a voice said, in the back of my mind. She might miss me, but she'd get over it. She'd be sad for a little while, then she would make new friends and everything would go back to normal. Suddenly, I found myself sitting down in the middle of the hallway as I started to cry. What started as a quick train of thought had turned into a heavy reminder of how little I mattered.

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