Allegiant

Tobias

I'm numb.

That's all I feel. That's all my mind is allowing me to feel; this cold, unrelenting numbness. Christina is sobbing in the dormitory: Uriah and Tris are as good as dead in everyone else's eyes. My limp legs carry me roughly through the halls, barreling past unsuspecting people in baggy green jumpsuits.

I collide with a body, thudding into soft skin. I hear a grunt, and I'm tempted to apologize, but my blurry eyes don't even register their face correctly.

"Tobias!", A voice calls after me. It's Cara, and her face is blotchy and her nose is trimmed with red. "Please, I had no idea Tris would go instead of Caleb, please-".

Anger stampedes through me, and I turn around so fast she falls right into me. I push her off roughly, her watery eyes widening.

"Had no idea?", I snapped, disbelief low in my voice. "Of course she would, Cara. You should never had let Mathew leave them running to the Weapons Lab. And you say you're from Erudite." My voice is dripping with scorn I hadn't known I possessed; so before I could see her hurt expression, I turned back around, half walking, half jogging to the hospital branch.

On the way there, I barely processed the blank, confused faces walking slowly past me, eyeing my tear streaked face curiously. I had forgotten, Tris had enabled the memory serum. The thought seemed like a wisp, scattered, the mention of her name in my brain leaving my throat aching.

I walk past a door that looks familiar, and pause. I look inside, and I feel my heartbeat in my fingertips. My fists clench as I see Uriah's limp body, his head turned to the side. His lips where in a straight line, which seemed unfamiliar, because they where almost always tipped up at the sides, or laughing. I glance at his snake tattoo curling just behind his ear, then at his unmoving chest, and a strangled moan escapes me. I didn't have time- I never seemed to have enough time. I didn't get to enjoy his presence before that explosion, didn't get to experience his jokes or his grin before I failed Zeke. Before I failed Tris.

Tris.

Biting my tongue to keep from yelling out, I ran, my legs pumping in sync with the thumps of my heartbeat. I turned a corner and saw a blur of faces, some familiar and others I didn't get a chance to see.

"Four! Wait up!" a female voice called, and memories pulled forth, but I pushed them back.

Why can't anyone leave me alone so I could find Tris?

Panting, Nita gripped my wrist, hard. I mentally groaned and reluctantly slowed, staring down at her with hard eyes.

"I heard about what happened to Tris-".

I shoved her off, not wanting to be reminded. My mind seemed to be stuffed with cotton balls, and the hallways squeezed closer. I began to run again, though I didn't know where. Anywhere but here.

Polished White tile greeted me, glistening under the bright white lights. Light blue curtains closed over slim beds, pale and revealing silhouettes of patients. All the colors seemed to muddle together, and I couldn't focus on one particular thing. I failed her, I failed Tris, I failed Tris again-

"Tris!", I yelled, my voice strained and to thick. I couldn't think clearly, even as heads snapped up. "Tris!". She would answer me, her small, warm hand pulling back a curtain to smile brightly at me, her cheeks flushed and her body strong.

She didn't, and it took a second for me to process that. A woman with a gun slung over her shoulder jogged up to me, her eyes filled with pity. I ignored that and glared, stepping back as she neared.

She looked weary as she approached me, and my jaw set as I clenched my teeth. "Are you looking for Beatrice Prior?" She asked timidly, as her hand slowly reached up to her gun, pulling it down to her midsection. I barely noticed.

"Tris, you mean", I said absently,my eyes darting anxiously down the dark hallway behind her. "And yes, I'd like to see her now." The woman paused, scratching the back of her neck uncomfortably. I glared at her thoroughly, irritation and desperation running deep in my veins. "Sooner, rather than later, okay?", I snapped angrily.

She looked up at me in surprise, her gun jerking in her arms. She swallowed, sighing with a hint of hesitation in her eyes. "You're Tobias Eaton, right?". It sounded like she clearly knew who I was- just needed a confirmation.

"Yes?", I grumbled, my fingers aching with discomfort by how much I was clenching them.

She sighed heavily, her gun slipping to her side. She pulled out a pair of dangling keys, and they cast her face in a silver glow. "Follow me, she's right down this hall".

Anticipation sparked, and I almost shoved the guard to make her move faster. Slick Metal doors greeted us, all with locks and pass codes I was only faintly familiar with. She shoved her key into a lock, and the pale light on the door flashed green. We entered a room with white starch walls, white glistening tiles, and pale blue sheets. I blinked a few times for my tired eyes to adjust, and when they did, I swallowed what felt like was hot sandpaper.

Tris' cold, unmoving body lay on what looked like a simulation chair, her light blonde, shoulder lengthed hair spread across the leathery material in a glowing halo. Her lips where a pale blue, the color drained from her usually bright face. Her small body looked even smaller, her fragile hands curled. It took me a second to remember how to breathe; how to move. Grief slammed into my chest like a physical blow, and I swallowed, turning away. It felt like I was looking at Uriah all over again, and my failure on him already added weight on my shoulders, and I almost thought I'd be able to recover with the aid of Tris.

The black ravens on her collar bone protruded like they where about to take flight; the paleness of her skin making the black ink darker than it really was. I collapsed on the side of her bed, my body sliding down to the floor. The guard was gone, leaving me to grieve on my own. I gritted my teeth and shoved my palms into my eyes, tears slipping onto the tile below me. The medical instruments attached to her beat methodically, the machine pumping her heart for her. But I knew she was strong enough to do it on her own.

She could do so much, that's why I refused to coddle her. I lifted my shaking hand and gripped hers, trying to tell myself if I squeezed hard enough, I could will the life back into her small body. I closed my eyes as tears spilled over my lashes, wetting my cheeks.

Tris Prior might have flirted with death repeatedly, but she had this bravery I have never truly witnessed before. She was kind, selfless, smart, honest, and brave.

I had to have that bravery now.