When you're someone like me with depression people don't really understand why you have it. I've had an outwardly normal life. I mean the last two chapters were just me ranting about normal crap normal people deal with. Why people read this I have no clue...
I am not a very old human being (just saying) and I already know who I am and that's not going to change any time soon so I might as well just say who I am. I am a pansexual gender fluid thing that doesn't really make any sense to a lot of people.
The reason this chapter... Part... Thing is called what it is, is because my entire life I've been called useless, a bitch and some other.. Colorful names by people who are supposed to be supportive and loving and you know a family. My father had never really been there for us. The majority of my family have superiority complexes, and then the rest have inferiority complexes...oh how fantastic that worked out huh? And then the ones with superiority issues are extremely judgmental and "my way or the highway" kind of people so they aren't exactly accepting to people like me so I can't outright say "Hey guys! I like girls and boys! Oh ya I don't always feel like I'm a girl either! Sometimes I feel like a boy and sometimes I don't feel like anything at all! So ya I'm just gonna be over here if you need me!" And then there's my friends... We're always joking about our sexualities and gender identities because we're all relatively open about that stuff... But whenever we bring up depression, anxiety, or anything else like that my bestest friend in the whole wide world decides to say that I don't have the right to be depressed at all... You know how fun that is when you are listening to other people's problems all the time and then when you actually decide to open up to a group of people they don't even let you speak... Scratch that anytime you try to talk to a group in general intellectually or emotionally they speak over you and/or change the topic completely... There are points that I've broken down crying and that is the only time they let me say what I needed to... I've listened to so many different people's stories and reasons for depression and want to commit suicide that I don't even think I have the right to sometimes and then I remember it's not something I can control.
Another thing that bestest friend of mine started calling me "catty" and crap like that (you know who you are) when I just do something because nobody else will ("if you want something done right, do it yourself") and yes I seem bitchy a lot, but you wanna know why? Because I am so done with humanity and how people treat each other!! There's a time where even fighting was relatively polite! And now there is rarely a time where anybody is polite to another human being unless they are forced to by the circumstances that they are in.
After listening to people talk about their lives and how bad they have it (and actually saving a few people's lives (including a few of the people who make me want to die)) has made me realize how stupid my reasoning is and honestly that makes me want to die more... Like I seriously have made plans on how I would do it (I watch way too many shows that show death and cause of death so I know way too many ways that a person can die) and then I go "oh ya my life isn't that bad I can do this," or "____ needs me I can't do that," or "it'll get better,"... And then that ____ person that I was living for goes and gets somebody that truly makes them happy, that they are planning the rest of their life with so my brain decides to go "oh look at them! They are happy! You want that don't you? You want to be happy? Well too bad you little piece of shit you aren't allowed to!"
My brain is a very happy place filled with sunshine and rainbows and unicorns and and and all that fantastic stuff!
It doesn't help that pretty much everyone leaves me anyway... I mean it has happened so much that I have abandonment and trust issues and I push everyone and everything away from me so I my brain says that i made that person leave me not them choosing to go... I do realize how stupid and unrealistic I sound through this but that is my life in a nutshell...
Stupid
Unrealistic
Pointless
Useless
Sad
Vicious cycle
I mean I'm not actually good at anything that would impact anything really physically or mentally or emotionally... I don't even know why I'm weighting this at 4-5 in the morning when I can't even publish it for a while...
But I really did plan to kill myself by now... So let that sink in my one reader... If you have even read this far or made sense of anything I word vomited onto the page... Don't worry about me I'm still gonna be here figuring out my purpose is now that I've figured out who I am... Feel free to message me if you want I don't really know...
