5 ways to let go

ch 1- Why Him

Life is so easier to be taken. It is a hell of a lot easier than we think. Well for my eldest brother it was pretty simple. For Matt.

Why? Was all that that went round in my head as my mother, Irene spoke shattered words that hit me like sharp wounds slowly as she attempted to stop the tears fall down her pale face which had become redder and redder by the second.

I knew exactly what was going to be said.

You know that song; How To Save A Life by that band The Fray? Every moment now felt like that.

At last my mind engaged with what was said "Its Matt... His, he is... He died last night"

With any warning my mind decided it ready for tears to stream down my cheeks warming my cheeks.

"It was a over...do..."My mum couldn't finish her sentence as chocking sobs could be heard.

I knew what he had done: It was a overdose. He wasn't killed at a party by a knife or had cancer that was spreading. He took his own life.

Ever so swiftly my mind went somewhere else.

Four blank yellow- creamish walls glared at me as I was seated at the oak Ikea breakfast table. Avoiding the four walls I just stared into a cup of now cold black coffee.

It was in Matt's mug, I doubt mum realised when making the coffee. Secretly I hated coffee but had, had no sleep and seriously needed it but indeed I loved Matt's cup, I had always loved it. The fact it had a globe in it, and every morning before I left for school. Matt would randomly point to a country and then state "Im taking you there soon. You wait this art of mine will get somewhere and when it does, im taking you there"

This just made more tears flood my eyes. Somedays it was LA he'd point to right on the dot others it would just be India. Once he painted a me a picture of a tiger, it was amazing but I lost it as it was on a piece of scrap paper. The tiger had these piercing eyes and the fur, it looked like it was so real it was as though you could place your fingers on it and feel the soft animals print.

"Savannah?" Mum whispered catching me off ground brining my attention back to life.

"Yeah?" I answered twisting a pieced of curly light brown dyed hair round my  thin index finger making my split ends more noticeable and worse.

"Im so sorry Sav... He left this"

Sliding of the lined paper covered in black ink could be seen. With much hesitation I unfolded the A4 paper reading the last words ever used by Matt.

More water. Like a early sunday rain shower fell down hitting the page almost smudging the ink near the bottom as I read the first few words.

'Dear mum, dad, Harry, Corin and mostly Sav'

Even that was hard enough to read still I kept reading knowing that if I didn't i'd only be curious later.

'Mum I just wanna thank you, trust me it isn't your fault, you're great at being  mother and you got me that A* in history. Well you was the head of humanities at my school (:

Dad, the papa of all fathers, you are awesome. Yeah you do tell crap jokes. I mean "Why did the butter- fly?"

And then your answer "it was a butterfly" yeah, haha, no (:

Look after the family and keep doing the job you're doing. You're better at being the dad you are than a comedian . Bring up the others a little, better though... More stronger than me.

Harry... You're now the man of the house when dad is on business trips

And until mum and him come back from work.

I wanna see that graphics carry on today that little logo for practice tomorrow a millionaire for making the new windows logo.

Corin. That A level in triple science best happen or else. You will be that doctor you want to be no matter what, no matter how hard. And soon you get them panic attacks sorted out (;

Finally Sav, simply keep singing, playing piano, guitar and bass oh and drums, you one women band.  I dont care what happens just you best keep singing and get over your stage fright. Promise me something, promise at my funeral, you're the one who sings.

Im sorry love Matt

                      xxxxxx'

"Why him?" I whispered "What happened to him to make him do this?"

"He said" more tears fell down my mothers face and mine as she spoke " He couldn't stand the fact his art wasn't getting anywhere"