Red lips

Chapter 1

                                                       Chapter one

I was happy, actually that’s a lie I was beyond happy my life was great. Sure my family didn’t have much money. They couldn’t spoil me with the latest $200 handbag, but they did spoil me with love and affection and in my opinion that’s the best kind of spoiling there is. I loved coming home to my small but cozy house and to my parents smiling faces. Going to grandmas every week until the tragic night she had a heart attack and passed away. I was only 10 I didn’t understand why but one look at my parents faces and I knew she was gone. I miss that, heck I even miss walking in on my parents making out on the kitchen counter, or that time dad had mom pinned to the fridge, I’m almost one hundred percent positive if I didn’t walk in they would of did right then and there on the fridge. I never thought I’d miss that but I guess when the people who gave your life meaning aren’t there anymore you miss everything even the things you didn’t like. A year and a half I ago I never thought that I would kill just to hear my mom yelling at me to do dishes. But I miss that, I miss it a lot.

 But fast-forward to now. That was my old life that was before I got the call the call that mad my head spine brought my mind to a different place. The call that changed my life in ways I never would nor could imagine.  I was in shock, simply in a state of confusion. More or less I was lost in my own thoughts, I was my own worst enemy, I was in the most dangerous state, I was lost and alone in the world. I would sit for hours on end letting my mind ponder the endless realm of my thoughts. It was quit surreal really. I could keep myself occupied hours on end just by picking a topic and tearing it apart with my mind. I would think until I couldn’t anymore and eventually I would fall into a semi peace full sleep. In a way it was my escape from reality. That was the problem though I wanted to escape the world. When I should have be embracing it living out my teenage years making crazy memories that I could tell my kids about. But I was physically sick, sick with incurable dieses that controlled my life and twisted and molded it into my own personalized hell just for me. It even had a nametag with my name on it. I was sick with self demise and pity. I was no longer myself. I looked the same spoke the same. But I was no were close to the same person and I realized I was never going to be the same. I missed me. I missed my old life. But what really broke me was when I myself came to the heart breaking blood curtailing realization that what I lost was gone forever. There was no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, there was no happy ending my life was no fairy tale. I was locked in my mind not allowing myself to be free.

Why? Because I was heartbroken and in pain, it was an endless pain really the pain you can never escape, the pain that makes you numb. The type of pain were you no longer no if it hurts or not, the type that stayed with you forever. I wanted to be the old me trust me I did, but I was the shell of girl I used to know best.

That was back when I was in the foster home those were the worst 7 months of my life. Well I can say one thing from that experience, it didn’t help my healing process at all. Constantly having group meetings with the other kids who had gone through similar situations as me, going to that horrid therapist every other week.

Those were the days when I wanted to be loved, those were the days I missed my parent the most the excruciatingly painful days when I was left alone In that little gray room. Were I had no privacy and no one but myself. But eventually I turned 18; yep I celebrated my big 1-8 with foster kids who all had it out for me. But any way the day I turned 18 I had I choice I could move out the foster home or stay. It was a easy decision for me I was getting the heck out of there and never looking back. I received the insurance money my parents had left for me, found a little studio apartment it was pretty rough but it felt good to be out of foster system. I was nervous enrolling myself into school I knew people were going to talk. I mean I was a happy kid, average but happy I did well in school. That was my parent’s number one rule do good in school; I can still hear my mom saying “education is the key to success.”

 Then my parents had the accident and my world was smashed into a thousand mismatched pieces that I had to put together again by myself. I stopped going to school and went into the foster system. No one has seen me for the last 7 months of course people were going to talk. But I was just going to have to get over that. I’ve wasted too much time thinking on the past.

 I had to recover my parent were gone and that was that. But I couldn’t hide form the world forever. I had one plan to get through school get great marks, go to college and live out my dreams. I can no longer stop my life because my parents aren’t with me I know they wouldn’t want this for me. I have to go back to school, I have to do it for my parents I have to do it for me.

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Sorry if it’s boring I had to give you guys some background it’s going to get better so don’t be discouraged by all the depressing stuff. Anyways I’m pretty much new to this so thanks your views mean a lot this is not really edited I kind of skimmed it so if you find any mistakes feel free to point it out.

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                                    ~Tamsen