A Single Stroke ✔️

46: Stone

"Mom," I muttered. I felt like an idiot. Who spoke to a piece of stone with some words etched into it?

I set down a black rose. It wasn't real; I picked it up from the store on my way over. I didn't want it to die; all her other flowers were wilted. No one visited her grave anymore. Dad wiped her from his memory.

On my knees, I stared at the name Rosemarie Cohen. Beloved daughter, wife, and mother. They forgot to add: the only person capable of loving a boy named Emery Cohen.

"Mom," I tried again. Music hummed low in the background on my phone. I set it on the grass next to my knee with the playlist on shuffle. I didn't feel so alone in the graveyard with music to fill the silence. 'Gravity' by EDEN thrummed steadily.

"Sometimes...I wonder what things would have been like if you had stayed. Sometimes I wonder if everything would have happened this way even if you did. Maybe you know the outcome." I shook my head. Laughed. I looked over my shoulder to make sure no one was watching. But I was alone.

"Maybe you're a ghost," I continued. "And you watch me that way. But mom...if that were the case, I don't feel you anymore. I say this a lot, but it's only because it's true: I don't feel anything anymore."

I wanted a response. I wanted to feel her hand on my shoulder to tell me everything would work out in the end. I wanted her to do what she always did and try fixing everything that had been broken inside me. But all I heard was the low rustle of trees barely blooming. All I saw was a gray headstone.

"I'm playing basketball now. Crazy, right? Well...I mean I was still playing when you...before you...never mind. I stopped playing for a little bit. Basketball isn't my thing. Remember how I liked painting when I was little? Man, if you would've seen how much of it I was doing last year..."

The rose petals blew in the wind. What the hell was I doing? I knew people who spoke to their loved ones through a headstone, but it didn't make me feel...better. The silence only reminded me that I was still alone. More alone than ever.

"There was this girl," I added. "I guess you could call her my first girlfriend. I think you would've like her. God, she was beautiful in every way possible. You would've liked her more to know she made me feel better in this new life with dad." I lowered my eyes and plucked grass near my knees. "I think she got to see the last piece of me that was actually alive."

Still, no response. I wasn't an idiot; I knew I wouldn't get one. Mom was gone. But...why couldn't I have one? Just one. All I wanted was to hear mom's voice again, feel her comforting hands, have her wrap her arms around me and tell me everything was going to be okay.

Life wasn't fair. It wasn't fucking fair. I wasn't asking for much; all I wanted was proof that my life wasn't a total waste. I wanted something that would make me feel better and give my life meaning.

I wanted someone to love me.

"I'm sorry," I finally said. "If you've been watching me, you'll know why. I'm sorry I've disappointed you. And dad. But you mostly. Maybe I should've tried saving dad? Hell, I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if I should've...shown him how much your death affected me, too. Would he have changed? Would he have cared more? Maybe not. But...maybe it's my fault he turned this way to begin with."

Nothing. I didn't know what I expected. Some pain relief. Some void filled. But...nothing.

"Well, yeah. I guess that's all I came here to do. I just wanted to say sorry. I didn't even get the scholarship I was aiming for. They never contacted me back. So I suck at that too." I grabbed my phone and stood before turning the music off and stuffing it in my pocket. I turned to leave, but then I stopped myself.

"Mom..." It was still light outside. I could've stayed all day if I wanted, but I didn't feel like I belonged there, either. "I'm sorry for disappointing you...I really didn't mean to. But I'm going to do it one more time. I hope you can forgive me."