Step 1: Get involved in a global crisis of biblical proportions. Like, say, an epidemic of alien bacteria, or the failure of the sun, or an imminent impact from an asteroid larger than the planet. In my case it was an alien invasion. They stole our rocket ship and kidnapped me. And after all I went through to get to Mars. *shakes head*
Step 2: Gather information about the crisis. Yep, while I spent a couple of months imprisoned beneath the surface of Mars, I got to play spy and try to figure out how in the void Martians existed and why they stole an Earth rocket ship and planned to invade their big blue neighbor planet. Turns out, that's not so easy when everyone around you speaks a strange clicking language that was more physical gestures than it was auditory signals. Eventually, I learned that Mars' overpopulation was worse than Earth's and the planet was all but inhabitable for its natives. Oh yeah, I was also trying to figure out why in the void they wanted me. You know, just an average day on Mars.
Step 3: Come up with a plan to save the world. Now I know repairing a space suit and rocket ship that are both so badly damaged it would make more sense to simply build new ones sounds simple, but trust me, it's not. Add that to manipulating the Sir High King Overlord of the Martians to get me the supplies to need to fix said space suit and rocket ship (oh yeah, and not to kill me, too, because I'm useful), and you've got a recipe for a bomb. Set to a timer. About to go off. Great plan, right?
Step 4: Wait. Hold on, this is actually a step? This is stupid. Waiting is pointless. Who wrote this? Listen to me, DO NOT WAIT. DO NOT. You are setting yourself up for disaster if you wait. I mean, I didn't wait on my plan. I spent every second that I was awake working on my space suit and tricking the Sir High King Overlord of the Martians to bend to my will so that I could get out of that void prison. I punched a Martian prison guard in the face, for void's sake! Trust me, don't wait.
Step 5: Relax, sit back, enjoy some popcorn, maybe some coke, and watch your plan come crashing down around you.
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This explains a lot.
Step 6: Come up with a new (smarter) plan. Oh, I remember this. This was when I decided to try to repair Martian broadcasting equipment to send a distress signal to Earth to warn them of the coming alien invasion. Of course, I knew nothing of Martian technology. And my only Martian acquaintance that didn't want to kill me was a nurse, so they were no help. And all of the imprisoned Martian engineers only spoke Martian and were trapped in their cells, so they couldn't help. And how bad of a plan did I come up with?
Step 7: Speed up plan. I never did this. I never had to do this. This is completely unrelatable. Oh wait, I did have to discharge a signaling beacon into low orbit around the planet and force my one Martian friend to escape to a human base hostile towards his kind so that I could return to my cell and finish patching up the broadcasting equipment because the Sir High King Overlord of the Martians decided to get impatient and call my bluff and force me out onto the surface of the planet to finally repair the damaged rocket ship they'd been bothering me about for the duration of my stay at the Martian gulag. So, never mind. I was forced to speed my plans up.
Step 8: Plan comes crashing down, part 2. I would definitely call ending up half-dead on the doorstep of the Mars Mission Alexander while the Sir High King Overlord of the Martians threatened my life and the Mission was in critical condition and the signal from my beacon being too weak to use a failure of my plan. It just can't be easy, can it?
Step 9: Realize you're intelligent and do something about it. I am a genius. I am. It's an indisputable fact. I remotely hacked into an orbiting transmission beacon the size of my fist and boosted the signal through the Mission's Command Center. Through equipment not designed for that. That I altered. Because I'm a genius.
Step 10: Save the freaking world. You're welcome.
