Sebastian Smythe x Trans!Male!Reader

Little Bit

Warnings: Extreme details of dysphoria

Sweat trickled down your face as you felt your cheeks burn with heat. Every eye in the room was on you. You glanced at Sebastian as he gave you an encouraging smile. You let out a deep breath as you faced the others in the room, who were waiting to see you audition for your spot in the Warblers.

"I got so sick of being on my own

Now the devil won't leave me alone

It's almost like I found a friend

Who's in it for the bitter end

Our consciences are always so much heavier than our egos

I set my expectations high

So nothing ever comes out right."

This song was a song that you held very close to your heart. When figuring out your identity and trying to stop your constant dysphoria this was a song that you can project your feelings onto. You were tired of feeling like you were the only one who was different. But then you came across the one word that would end up being your savior and downfall. Transgender. Your life changed. It changed so much, both for the good and bad. The good thing was that you were able to find support and find people who were just like you.

You slowly started to dress a lot more 'masculine' and began to get as comfortable as you can in your own skin. You found make-shift ways to bind, make shift ways to smell masculine, and make shift ways to look masculine. But no matter how much you were changing or how much you were proud of yourself the intense waves of dysphoria just couldn't be stopped.

There was this ideal of a man that you looked up to and you simply couldn't reach it. It was always because you were too short, too soft, too weak, too feminine, or something that you didn't want to be associated with anymore. That's where most of your dysphoria came from. Not being able to be the man you wanted to be.

"So shoot a star on the boulevard tonight

I think I'll figure it out with a little more time

But who needs time...?"

You can't really find yourself complaining though. You'd rather be dysphoric, know who you are, and that there are ways of being happy than being stuck in your own body without a single clue as to what is going on. The latter was exactly how you were before you discovered yourself.

You remember being so appalled with your body when puberty started. Your boobs made you want to puke, your hips made you disgusted with what you saw in the mirror, and you wanted so bad to just go back to the way you were before. You wanted nothing more than to reverse your growing so that you're more comfortable in your body. You suddenly hated the way you looked and hated everything that was associated with you.

"Turn off the lights, turn off the lights

Turn on the charm for me tonight

I've got my heavy heart to hold me down

Once it falls apart my head's in the clouds

So I'm taking every chance I got

Like the man I know I'm not."

But you've finally found out who you were and it felt nice. Sure dysphoria got in the way, a lot. But it was nice to be able to put words to how you feel. However, it was incredibly risky to transition and be openly out.