Morphine » tomlinson

the night;

Waking up is the worst part. I hesitantly open my eyes and it takes me a couple of minutes till I realize it's already morning, till I remind myself my name, the routine and the thing that I'm foolishly, no, dumbly in love with a girl who's pretty much happy without me.

A cold shower, pills and their later side effects, a single mug of coffee, messy hair and dirty shirts, the morning headache and the haunting awareness of another day where all I have to do is exist and pretend that everything goes its way. 

Today's raining and I forgot my umbrella at home. Again. Though I always comfort myself with the thought that a little cold means nothing to me. I believe we never look at ripples once we've seen the great wave.

I watch all these men and women walking on the streets; heading to places where they don't want to be, meeting people they hate being with. The spaces are overcrowded but still they look so small, powerless to me. 

They are all so empty, shyly lacking a better life. And I do hate them. If I had their time, I'd just wake up one day and take a bus to..no matter where. I'd stumble, fight, hurt, laugh, remember, loose. I would just live.

And when I grow old, I'd find a place to settle down and take a deep breath while all of these memories would keep me warm till the day of my death.

Usually, I feel rather numb. But today this chaos just took over me, I guess. No, I'm not challenging the fate. It's an already lost fight. I'm challenging the world. Yes, me. Me, the one whose wrists are helplessly tied, who's staying silent all the time; the one who unlearned to walk. The one who has one foot in the grave.

Only when I think I've escaped the rain and the spite assaulting me everyday outside my apartment, this place proves me I'm wrong again.

Hundreds of students. Hundreds of future doctors, maybe future mothers and fathers as well. Hundreds living an ordinary life, getting together and dreaming out loud. How am I not supposed to feel alone in here?

And it started. They all begin suffocating me, reminding things I don't want to think about. And I feel like screaming or breaking something. I can already feel these damn tears stinging my eyes and the regret knocking down my heart. I feel like-

but she appears and it's all gone.

I find myself smiling as she walks inside, just as the sun after a storm.

"There's going to be a party tonight, it will be great if you come."

And I don't think Cassie understands what she does to me; makes me feel my heart beating again.

* * *

I put on a pair of black jeans and a white t'shirt; the eyes scan my own reflection in the mirror, wondering how did I get this skinny. I sigh and put on a denim jacket after what I get out of my flat. In the worst case, I will just get drunk again and Nate will drive me home; of course, only if he won't decide to follow my example. 

* * *

I frown, coughing a bit as I pass through the bad-smelling hall. There are strangers kissing in the corners of the room, kids throwing cigarette stubs into the sink and pouring cheap alcohol down their throats. I sigh gruffly, regretting that I've come. 

"Louis!"

I turn around to spot her wearing a simple pair of jeans and a shirt, just like me. She's smiling and I make myself believe she's been waiting for me all this time. Silly, isn't it?

A hug. A peck on the cheek. A smirk.

We pass through the room and I meet her friends, though I'm pretty sure they already forgot my name the second we walked out. There are red cups and smoke rings everywhere; the laughter and screams are filling the house while everybody seems to lose themselves tonight.

And maybe I should do that as well.

Gulps of beer, taste of nicotine on my lips, dry throat and hot sweat all over my body. My lungs seem to burn and my eyes sting a little, but as long as I don't think about anything and keep dancing next to strangers, I don't care. 

My blurry eyes are locked on her, though. She's a few steps away from me, surrounded by a couple more girls, some of them wearing rather daring dresses. But my eyes are still on her. And I believe it's the alcohol I should blame for making my heart race and for making her even more perfect to me.

All of a sudden I see black spots in front of my eyes and I feel like loosing the balance. My temples hurt but I don't let it affect me. It seems that the beer decided to erase the worthless memory of an hour or two before I finally came back to senses.

Opening my eyes, I find myself outside, a few foots away from the house as I hold Cassie's hair. 

"I'm really sorry."

"It's fine."

The noise starts leaving the house as the half-dead guests head towards their cars. I guess it's pretty funny how we started laughing at them as if we were the sober ones.

The house has slowly gotten empty, apart from two or three already-asleep-on-the-floor guys. The night has finally come back to its silence and, Cass, you're drifting off to sleep with your head on my shoulder.