Scars

I’ve already done it. Why hesitate now? It’s not as if the world might end. It’s not as if I am going to die even though, I want to. I have done this a million times but I am not understanding why now? Why am I pausing now? 

Is it because of the people? Because of what they have been saying that I am scared of doing it now? My head turns sideways as I shut my eyes tight and the tears pour down one by one, drenching my cheeks. My mind goes back to everyone saying I should stop. I smile a bit as the memory of thousands of people saying that they care for me although they were strangers cmd up on my mind. I have never met them or ever seen them. I thank the improving generation for helping me find such friends who despite the fact don’t know me, care for me. But sadly, I don’t think I will last long in this world to see the new developments.

I turn my head to face a girl. She seemed oddly familiar but I can’t seem to remember her. I think I saw her before but I don’t know. She seemed different somehow. Maybe, it’s her red and swollen eyes or maybe it’s her surrounding. Her eyes are telling a story. A story of remorse, lies, betrayals and depression. Her dress was wet. Her long black hair was messy. Her face was red. It’s strange but I think she knows me as well and I think we share the same story. 

My mind started playing memories. Flashbacks. All the comments I had received. You think winning awards and doing the right thing can earn you a better life but no. It will stay the same dramatic life that would make you go through every painful thing besides death. 

He was the reason I do this. When he was staying away at Japan, I did it because him not being here was as painful as being forced into icy cold water until you find your lungs failing you. I did this all because of him and little did I know, he never cared for me. All his ‘I love you’ s were faux. All his talks about how much he cares for me and will love me to infinite were fake. But me, being the stupid moron that I am, believed him. He was using me all this time and I never even suspected a little. Maybe, it was because I was so madly in love with him. Maybe, I was so stupid to think that he might be the one that won’t hurt me. Never betray me. But eventually, he did. 

He was never in love with me. How could I think he was? He wanted my friend. He loved her. Not me. He was doing this to contact her and he was using me. Love is such a stupid bitch. It always makes us cry for the wrong people. Always. True love is just a lie. Someone who was in love like me, made up stories about it but then after they found they had been cheated on, too late. Their books had already been published and given people the wrong message. 

Why do I still think there are people who care for me? Why do I still look for hope? I have lost everything and I am still looking. I never learn, do I? I am not going to find a happy ending. 

I slash my knife and gradually, blood falls down on the clear white floor. It wasn’t a deep one but it was deep enough to make me fall on my knees. I felt drowsiness overwhelming me. I clutched the hilt of my knife tighter. My bloody hand lay beside me, pouring out red whenever it could. I can’t stop now that I have started. Tears and blood poured simultaneously. I shut my eyes and brought my knife to my left arm once again. 

Slash!

I have done it once again, more won’t hurt. No, not now. 

Slash!

Slash!

Slash!

Blood was all I could see now. Red everywhere. The girl I saw was smiling now. Why was she smiling? Is she going to leave me as well? I thought she was going to stay by my side. I thought…Damn it. I thought she was going to stay by my side? 

I never learn, do I?

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Just wanted you guys to hear a short story that is true. Many teenagers are facing this and most of them aren’t getting help. This is a short story which relates them. Their voices aren’t being heard. Words hurt, people, just like actions do. There may be someone right now, crying and self-harming and even thinking of suicide right now. I have been through that pain and I am still going through it so I know how much it hurts. Please consider the consequences of your actions or words before saying or doing them. 

Thank you for your interest and please, please don’t be hard on others.  You might not know their story. 

 ©2014, Anindita Rhine (DancingWithTheDevils)