It was a beautiful day, not that Louis noticed. The startling blue sky, the lush green grass on which he stood, the fountain in the middle of the garden; he was oblivious to all of it. All he saw was the garden in front of him. It would have been a lovely garden, were it not for the rows of graves that lined it. Those too, went unnoticed. All of Louis’ focus was on the simple grave in the center of the garden. Harry’s grave. It was newer than the rest by a couple years, and far less elaborate. All the other graves were huge, with elaborate designs and fancy flowers growing around them. But that one, it was so simple. There were no designs; there were no flowers. There were no fancy mentions written on the grave. It was was small and understated, and so inexplicably Harry. Louis took a deep breath before approaching the grave. With every step he took, he grew visually more unsettled. His breath became more and more unsteady, and his legs trembled and quivered as he walked. His hands were shaking so violently that they they almost dropped the bouquet of roses they were clutching. Finally he knelt down before the grave, taking a moment to collect his thoughts before he spoke. “Harry” he started before trailing off, unsure of how to continue.“Harry” he tried again, this time sounding a bit more sure of his words “I didn’t want to come here at first, because I-I was afraid it would make this seem more real. I just thought, like, maybe if I stayed holed up in our flat, then I could just pretend that you weren’t really gone, and that you were just, like, I don’t know, on a trip or something. Eventually, it was um, it was Liam that decided it wasn’t good for me. He said I needed to come here because it would help me accept that you were- that you were,” his voice broke and he stopped speaking abruptly. Louis’ breakdown was a horrible one. His shoulders shook horribly as he choked back sob after sob, and let out mangled cries of despair. After a couple of minutes of unrequited sobbing, Louis slowly started to regain his composure. Slowly, almost nervously, Louis began to speak again. “I um, in my imagination I had this whole elaborate speech planned, where I said everything I needed to say, and I didn’t break down once. But um, standing here in like, real life- it’s so much harder. A-and I don’t think I’m going to be a-able to stick to the speech, because right now, there are more- more important things that I w-w-want to say.” Here Louis slowly pulled his hands from behind his back, revealing the roses he had been carrying. “I um, I bought these for you. It’s stupid I know, cause you won’t actually be able to get them. So uh, I wanted to like, I don’t know. I wanted to like, every time I would give you a rose, I would talk about a memory I have with you. I don’t know, it seems like a weird thing to do now that I’m here and not just imagining this, but I just wanted to tell you one last time how much- how much of a difference you made for me.” He stopped speaking and reached up to wipe the steady stream of tears off his cheeks, before withdrawing a single rose of his bouquet. “The- the first memory of you is-is the day we met. We were both competing in the X Factor at the time. Oh god on that day- the day in the bathroom I was so n-nervous, because I really wanted to make it to the next round, and I just couldn’t- I couldn’t sit still”. His voice was shaking, and he could barely get his words out, yet he determinedly continued speaking.“After hours of s-sitting and waiting my mum told me to g-get up and go- go for a walk to help with the nerves. That’s how I wound up in the bathroom, w-washing and rewashing my hands. Just- just as I was about to leave you- you walked in, and-and just th- threw up all- all over my shoes. And then you just looked up and s-said ‘oops’. E-even then, with your face all flushed, a-and your hair sweaty and damp against your forehead, I couldn't-tell that you were- that you were special. And th- thats why instead of getting mad, I said ‘hi’ as- as calmly as I could, and made sure I took a picture with you, to have when you were famous.” Louis stops. His hands tremble as he lies the rose on the grave before continuing to speak. “Do- do you remember that? Does that- does that moment mean anything to you? Because to me it, um, it does for me, a-a-and I-I just- I don’t know anymore”. Louis takes a deep breath to gather his thoughts, while placing his hands on the ground to steady himself. “I looked for on the x factor after that. I didn’t- I didn’t find you though. Until a few days later. I got voted off and I was so upset. Until Simon called-called me back in, along with four other boys. I-I was so surprised to see you standing there. When Simon told us th-that we would be continuing on the sh-show together, I did the only thing that felt natural. I jumped into your arms, and I- I let you carry me around the stage. It was the easiest thing in the world, to be in your arms, and in that moment, I never wanted you to let me go. “Louis smiles sadly as he thinks back on that moment. “ I-I knew right from the beginning that- that there was something different about you. It wasn’t until a couple months later that I realized what i-it was. I don’t know what triggered it. Maybe it was just the way the light fell but-but I realized that night that I loved you. I remember it so clearly. The past few weeks I had been feeling weird around you, getting butterflies whenever you were around. But it wasn’t until that one night that I actually realized. You were standing out on the balcony, with you back to me, looking out over paris. It seemed like another normal day, but when you turned around, I swear my heart stopped. It could have been your eyes. They- they were so bright and mesmerizing, or it could have been the huge dimpled smile you had on your face, whenever you were happy. Maybe it was the way you were self consciously fixing your hair, or the way your sweater was too long for your arms, covering your hands in the most adorable way. All- all I know is that I just remember wanting to run over to you and-and kiss you. And I remember just-just th-thinking all of a s-sudden ‘oh my god, I’m in love with this boy’. After I first realized I loved you, I was too scared to do much about it.I was so w-worried that you would be disgusted, or that you wouldn’t want to be-be my mate anymore. So I kept my feelings away from you, vowing never to show them. A few weeks later though, we w-w-w-were wrestling, and we both fell off the bed. I tried to squirm out from under you before I did something I would regret. But you, you just blinked your h-huge green eyes innocently before leaning down and carefully pressing your lips against mine. To say I was shocked was an understatement. I was so surprised, i-in fact, that I just couldn’t react. When you r-realized I wasn’t k-k-kissing back, you sprang up and started, like, apologizing. I don’t know what made me do it, but some b-brave part of me pulled you back to me and kissed you again. It- it took us a while to-to sort everything out, but that kiss- it started- it started everything we are- were.” Louis stops speaking abruptly as his entire body begins to shake and quiver, weeks of pent up denial and sorrow coursing through his body. Tears begin making their way down his cheeks more and more rapidly, until theres a steady waterfall. After collapsing right on top of Harry’s grave, Louis screams. Theres no sobbing, theres no sounds of anger, just rough, strained screams. The once peaceful silence of the garden destroyed. Louis’ entire body is loose and almost relaxed as he lets his cries move him, not even trying to keep it in anymore. Louis lays on the ground screaming for hours. The sun sets and goes by the time he calms down enough to stand. Louis looks down at the ground and sighs. He looks up and tries to speak. but his throat is too coarse from all the screaming. “I’m not going to be able to say everything I wanted to” he rasped, “Because that would hurt too much. But there is one thing I have to say, and I’m going to say it no matter how much it hurts me.” Louis wrings his hands before continuing. “I came here with ten roses, and a story about you to go with each rose. But I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t tell the stories. I think that maybe it’s okay though, because you already know them all really. Every moment was one that you had lived through with me, which is why I love them all so much”. He pauses, before reaching into his trousers and pulling out a simple ring, with a small yet intricate diamond. “Harry” Louis began, somewhat nervously. “you meant-mean everything to me. We were in a relationship for three whole years, and I know I said I didn’t like to look into the future, but I always knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. Every moment we spent together just made me more and more sure that you were the person I wanted to marry. Because of- because of the accident I can’t do that anymore, and that’s something I’m going to regret for my whole life. But I, um I just wanted you to have this, and know that no matter who I’m with, no matter where I am, my heart will always belong to you.” Louis finishes speaking, and kisses the ring before placing it delicately on the grave, next to the rose bouquet. Just as he’s about to leave he turns back around and says “Before this, I didn’t really accept your death. I knew you were gone, but I just didn’t want to believe it. I believe it now. I’ll still cry every day. I’ll keep missing interviews because I don’t want to deal with the public, but at least I’ve accepted that you’re gone. So, I guess this is goodbye.” And tears falling from his eyes, he walked away.
From behind a nearby grave, Harry watched. He watched everything. The breakdowns, the sort of proposal, The goodbye, everything. And it broke him. Louis’ pain hurt him more than his own did, but he had no choice. He had to fake it, he had to leave. He wanted to tell Louis, but he just couldn’t. They wouldn’t allow it. Silently, Harry slipped out from behind the grave and strode over to his own. He could see the down trodden patch of grass on which Louis had been kneeling. Carefully, he reached over and picked up the abandoned ring before slipping it onto his finger. For a moment, he considered finding Louis, explaining the situation, but deep down he knew that was impossible. He slid the ring back off and placed it in the exact same position it had been before. Careful not to step on the roses, Harry stood back up, placing his headphones in his ears as he did so, letting the sweet music drown his sorrows as he walked away.
So fake your death, or it's your blame
And leave the lights on when you stay
Take off your clothes and dream that fame
Come on and feel that shame
I choose defeat, I walk away
And leave this place the same today
Some like to sleep, we like to play
Just look at all that pain
