There just comes another night.. one of those when you lie down again trying to tell yourself that everything is going well. But you know; deep down in the core of your heart you know that nothing is okay and that things will never get better. You know that things will not change, although you have once, or twice, thought they would. But they won't; they don't. You lie still, baring the weight of the void that had been sinking in; deep within you. You were laughing this morning. Everyone you met today saw that smile and heard those jokes and you laughed together. Same has happened yesterday, and the day before; and the one before that too. And last night you didn't cry yourself to sleep since you were too tired you just dozed off the moment you hit the sheets. But tonight is just one of those.. even though you haven't chosen it to be. You don't even get to choose. It just hits you. There are just nights when it hits you and you realise that the emptiness inside you had not quite gone away. No.. it was just dimmed for a while. The emptiness is still present and the void is still here. And you? You are fading away; every day a little bit more. You feel as though you are suffocating and it feels like someone is trying to strangle you and your voice.. your voice betrays you and you can't let the words out of your mouth. You just drown yourself in your own tears and you choke on them. You just wanna be alone. You don't want anyone to tell you it is going to get better because you know it only gets worse and you don't want anyone to ask you questions because you have no answers and you can't even speak. You feel sick of even talking and you don't want anyone to try to help you because if anyway they try to do so you know it won't change anything. So you start pushing everyone away..again. And you get urself used to faking a smile so no one would come up to u and ask you what's going on. And that's why you just wanna lock yourself away from everybody and everything later on because you just get too sick and too tired of faking a smile and it starts to show up on you and other people will start to notice. You feel like you just don't belong here and you need to leave. You need to escape this and then you start thinking about ending all this; you want to try to be happy and live a normal life. But then again, you stop right there. Because you know you can't do it since you are not that strong and not that confident and you know you are too weak and that you have to live with all this all your life because maybe you are cursed and that is just what you were born to do. To suffer; till you die.
June 30th 2017
