Too deep for words // Rye Beaumont

•being left•

And I just stood there in the rain. Feeling like I was nothing. Not knowing if I'd see him again.

~

I walked through the dimly lit streets wandering whether there was any point in returning home. I knew I'd lost him forever, this was permanent and there was nothing I could do to change that. The thought of what I would miss kept pulsing through my mind. I'd never feel the soft touch of his hands again. Never hear the sound of his deep, mellow voice. Never get to see his eyes. Those dark blue piercing eyes. Never again. In one instant, it all slipped away.

I don't remember the last time I kissed his lips, not because it was a long time ago, or because I don't care. Because you never think the last kiss will be the last. My world came crashing down. And he left me there. In the rain. Feeling like I was nothing. Not knowing if I'd see him again.

I just walked. I don't recall what direction, just away from that spot. I walked for hours trying to wash away the pain with my tears and my footsteps. But after a while it hurt too much to cry. I'd lost my bearings, I didn't know nor care what direction I was going. At this point nothing mattered to me. A few vehicles had drove past, splashing bits of water over me. My face remained expressionless. I felt everything and nothing all at the same time. I just carried on walking for what must have been miles. I had no idea of the time or where I was. Tires could be heard in the distance. The street was dark, no lamps or light near. Until a car appeared from round the corner. I didn't really notice it and I kept my blank expression. I didn't have any strength to care.  It started to slow down, then the car lights stopped in front of me. Wearily, I looked up, and saw someone coming out of the car. Most days my heart would have been racing a million miles an hour. Most days I would be scared. Not today. I just carried on walking. My legs wouldn't let me stop. My mind wouldn't concentrate on anything else. One foot after another. Until I was right by the car, and someone stopped me.

"Are you okay?" A deep voice asked. Putting his hand out gesturing for me to stop

I slowly lifted my head to look at him. I couldn't frown. I couldn't smile. I was just blank like torn up paper left out in the rain.

"Yes" was all that managed to seep out of my lips

The most common lie ever told. Even if I had wanted to say no 'I'm not fine'. I couldn't have brought myself to do it.

"Are you sure? You're out here all alone, can I give you a lift home?" He asked, I looked at him again. This time taking in more of his features, through the faint car lights.

He had deep brown eyes. The type I would usually get lost in. And scruffy dark hair. But I wasn't in the mood for falling in love. I wasn't falling for enchanting eyes anymore. I looked straight past it. I just stared into nothingness.

"I- I Don't know." I sighed, not knowing what to say. And not knowing which way home even was. Did I even have a home? He was my home.

"What do you mean? Look you seem lost, let me take you back. I can't just leave you out here." He half-smiled.

Couldn't he? No. Someone already did that. He could have just driven past. But he didn't, he stopped - for me. But I wasn't letting a kind gesture fool me. He would be just the same as the rest. Right?

"Thanks but I'll just walk" I continued to step down the street with my emotionless body dragging along

"Wait" He called out "it's not safe down this road in the dark. Please just let me drive you to somewhere safer? I can't just leave." He insisted

I realised he wasn't going to give in. And I wasn't in the mood for persisting. So I accepted his offer and turned back to his car.

"Okay but if I want to leave. Let me" I spoke

"Of course" he smiled "now where shall I take you"

"I don't know. I don't know where we are. And I don't know where to go."

"We're on Haney road. It's long. Where's do you live I can drop you there" he offered

"I don't know..." I mumbled

"What?" He questioned, don't think he heard me

"I DONT FUCKING KNOW. What the fuck even is a home??!! Where your heart is? Is that right. Cus right now that's in a million different pieces. Shattered on the fucking floor somewhere. And I don't even know the meaning of home!!!" I snapped

There was a moment of complete silence before I quietly mumbled "sorry" for my outrage

"No. I'm sorry. I'm sorry because someone's clearly hurt you."

"It's not your fault though is it. Why do people always say sorry? Like. You didn't do anything." I sighed

"Let me take you back to my place? You need someone right now. I can tell"

This guy was right. I mean I probably shouldn't have gone off with a random guy. But I had nothing left to loose.

"Take me there. Anywhere. Away from here." I explained

So he did. It wasn't far. Just a few streets round. And we pulled up at a small hotel in a small town.

"You live here?" I asked inquisitively

"No. Just until we move onto the next city"

"We?" I asked

"Oh yeh. Me and my friends. Well my band mates. I'm in a boyband. Yeh I know. 'Cringe'

I didnt think so. I thought it was cool. He was cool.

But it reminded me off him. He was in a band too. Not that I knew about it until tonight. Not that I knew about anything. How much more had he kept a secret?

We got out of his car and walked up to his hotel room.
There was two twin beds which was good. No awkward sharing with a stranger. I went into the small bathroom, washed and peed then went back into the room to find him in his boxers. With a defined set of abs, drawing my eyes close. Then a sudden feeling of guilt rushed through me. I hated myself for it. I wasn't over him yet. And I didn't think I ever would be.

"Did you want to borrow a top?" He asked bringing me out of my haze

"What?" I asked shaking my head from my trance

"Do you want to borrow a top. To sleep in." He asked with a smirk after noticing me stare.

"Oh right. If you're sure you don't mind."

"It's no bother" he smouldered whilst chucking me his T.

I turned round and took of my top whilst quickly putting his over. Then I slowly slipped my shorts off. Leaving me in just his top and my thong. But the tshirt was huge on me, so he couldn't see anything.

I turned around and got Into bed, which he'd already done.

He was about the switch the light off, but stopped.

"Oh one more thing." He turned to look at me "What's your name" he smirked

I couldn't believe we had got to this point where I was sleeping in his hotel room and we didn't even know each other's names. For a moment I thought of making a name up. A fresh identity. But before I had time to think of one, my lips slipped out the words "Pyper"  and from then on he knew me.

"Sweet name. I'm rye, short for Ryan"

And then the light switched off. And I was left in silence with my thoughts. Wandering into emptiness.