Despite the fact that I haven't posted anything creatively driven in almost a year I felt driven to write about this in an attempt to help someone else- hopefully. I will also apologize for this being garbled and mixed up. I'm just tying and attempting to get everything out of my head.
To give you a bit of context on who I am, even if you know me, my name is Levi. At the time of writing this I am eighteen years old and for as long as I remember I have not felt comfortable in my body- in my name or my face or my skin. In my junior year of high school, while in a borderline abusive and painfully emotionally distant relationship I came to the conclusion that I wasn't the daughter my mother had always told me I was. I had known since I was in my early teens that I wasn't straight, but the realization that my gender wasn't what I had been assigned at birth put me in a simultaneously comfortable and horrifying position. The horror didn't come from my fear of being disowned (as my mother had threatened the fed up thirteen year old me with) or that my friends would hate me- the fear that I felt came from myself. I was scared of being myself. That fear is still with me.
Last weekend I attended my first pride parade. And despite the fact that it was a celebration of sexuality and gender as a whole I felt absolutely out of place. Despite that fact that it has been years since I began transitioning toward a more comfortable state of being my "official" gender is still up in the air- and I was surrounded by people with established genders and sexualities that they're proud of. Everybody around me was smiling and proudly outwardly expressing themselves. There was happiness and love in the air- even in the face of religious protesters spewing damnation toward us as a whole. But I felt frozen. Every time I looked at someone new a new wave of emotions hit me.
Looking back at it now I'm not sure why it hurt so much- why it still hurts so much- but it does. My gender is something that I shouldn't be fighting with, but it is. I nearly broke down because of everything going on around me. All of the people were so beautiful and excited to be able to celebrate what made them special and happy with their friends and partners alike and, despite the fact that I was surrounded by friends and was standing next to the love of my life, I felt so alone. I spent the rest of my time at pride almost silent- my brain so focused on singling myself out of the group that I was with that I could barely answer simple yes or no questions.
And I know that me sitting here in my bed spewing garbage about gender to such a small audience seems like a painfully boring first world situation- but I know I can't be the only one to feel like this. Every day I keep going over it in my head- I can't be the only one. And I don't want anybody else to feel like they're alone in this. So if this can reach at least one person and help them to not feel so alone in situations like this I'll be content.
And for that one person that this hopefully helps- don't feel rushed to make a decision one way or another on gender or sexuality or any of that. Trust me- trying to label yourself with titles and pronouns that don't fit is just as painful and being the only one in a group without fully established preferences and pronouns. Because despite the fact that it hurt to go through pride and feel completely alone I can be sure of the fact that when I can find something that I'm comfortable with- it will have been worth the wait.
I hope at least some of this made sense. If it didn't that's okay. I'll probably go back through it when my head is clear again- and I promise that I'll come back to update the other stories that I have on here.
A/N- During the middle of an emotional conversation with my fiance after she read this short story but she finally admitted that she's a thirteen year old. (she's 18 but I got her to admit it and I'm proud of myself.)
// 나중에 봐 :)
- Levi
