The Dance of the Ocean and Moon [Book One]

Chapter Twelve | Saga

***TW BRIEF SUICIDE MENTION

SAGA

Saga never questioned her affections for women. Asger was so different from...well, everywhere in the south. Her grandmother told her that it was seen as a "sin" and "taboo" for women to love women and men to love men-or to love anyone regardless of their gender. Asger was far from that. People did what made them happy, they loved whoever they wanted to love. Saga preferred women to men, that was not something she ever felt ashamed of, and it was nothing anyone in Asger shamed her for. But the south was different, she understood that better now.

Saga lived in such a free state of mind that even when she was cognizant that she was no longer in Asger, she still often forgot how different it was. Brienne was so much like her, Jon Snow and some of the others treated her like an equal, and she had even met a woman ruler, the Mormont girl. It was easy for her to forget where she was, and how restrained and close-minded the people were.

Brienne had never before made her feel ashamed of liking women; it was obvious that Saga adored her, everyone knew it to be true. Brienne was resistant to her affections, of course, but Saga always assumed it was because she did not want to care about anyone; she always seemed like she was simply afraid of being hurt. She had never said anything with regards to Saga's sexuality, either, which was the first contributing factor to how Saga was able to miscalculate Brienne's feelings. And when Brienne started to show affection back to Saga, however small, it was what led her to believe that she felt the same, though it was forbidden in the south.

That was a mistake. Brienne said she didn't want Saga meddling in her life (or death) any longer, she said she didn't want her meddling in her feelings either. Saga never thought she was "meddling" anyone's feelings, especially not Brienne's. She was so strong, like the northern Wall, there was no way that Saga thought she could have possibly influenced Brienne; even if she joked around about breaking into her metal shell. Brienne was a force of nature in Saga's eyes; not capable of being coerced by a creature as simple as herself. But nothing made sense to Saga about what happened that day.

Saga preferred women to men, but she had never had a relationship with one; not a real relationship, that is. With every Asger woman she had been with, there was always the same feeling-like there was something more to be discovered but Saga did not know what it was. To be a woman fighter in Asger was normal. To be a woman fighter in the south was out of the ordinary; and Saga believed it took much more courage to do such a thing in the south. This is why she loved Brienne from the beginning. She was far more courageous, strong, and honorable than any person she had ever met. When they were together, she felt like she had found what was missing.

She could feel that emptiness again as she rode away from Brienne as fast as Endre could carry her, tears streaming down her face. She spent a few days camping in the woods near a stream she found, staring into the flames, pondering every interaction she ever had with Brienne since the beginning. The pain of making the momentous mistake of misjudging Brienne's feelings kept her unfocused, kept her pitying herself for those days she spent in the woods.

But she felt an even greater weight on her soul because she felt like she had lost a friend; her only friend left in the world anymore. That was far more painful than losing the prospect of becoming something more than friends. The images of her face would be burned into Saga's mind forever. She had never seen Brienne so upset before that day and it was terrifying. Saga could tell that she was hurt, it was plain in her eyes. But the thought that she herself was the cause of the hurt in Brienne's eyes was unbearable. She pushed that down as far as she could but it took time. And after the sting of Brienne's words wore off, she managed to collect herself and move on.

She decided that she couldn't abandon the task that was given to her by Jon Snow. In the pursuit of avenging her family and her village against The Others, they would need more men to fight, more men for the Night's Watch. She finally hiked up her courage one morning and set off into the world to recruit those men, though she no longer had the companionship of Brienne and Podrick. She had no idea where to go, or who to speak with, but that wouldn't stop her from completing her mission.