Finding Yourself

Don’t get me wrong. Love is such a wonderful feeling. In fact, it sustains the whole of the humanity. Unfortunately, people tend to go way overboard and it has come to a point wherein saying “I love you” to somebody has become a very ordinary thing, more like doing a household chore; a daily routine nonetheless. People joke around about it and play with it and now this feeling has lost its true meaning.

Someone in the other side of the world actually wishes for love to find him and ironically somebody else is already getting fed up of loving without being loved in return. Complicated, right? May I ask you the most common question in the universe? What is love? Nah, don’t bother. I know you can go eons in explaining what freakin’ love is. Love, for me, is doing good deeds to everyone else. Pleasing them is not necessary for you can never please everybody but making someone happy without asking anything in return would be what you could call exemplary.

You. Have you ever said those three most important words to your Mom? To your Dad? To your whole family? Do you embody what a loving child is? Do you show respect, honesty, and promote peace? Because me, I didn’t. But as I am writing this, I start to reminisce the years that gone by. I look back at my old self and realize what an ass I was before and maybe even now. I never told my Mom how much I love her. Never did I show Dad how much I respect him. I quarrel with everyone else and go on isolating myself from the world. Too much hatred has been grown inside my heart and has started to creep down to the very core of my being. How will I ever know what love truly is? How can I find myself? Who can heal me? Help.

I yelled at my Mom, skipped classes and asked for money every other day when I know for a fact business wasn’t doing well and we are tight on budget. But, Mom smiles and says,”Don’t worry, I will send you the money you need.” Fuck. Hearing her say this on the phone broke my heart. Is this what motherly love is? I guess, it is. Hah. Days passed and I slowly drifted away from my friends, family and eventually myself. I started to get scared for I do not know myself anymore! I look into the mirror and see a stranger. Gloomy eyes, tired expression. My god, what have I done? Dad tried to talk to me one day and all I did was played on my iPad. He was trying to engage me on a heart to heart talk and me, I didn’t give a flying fuck. I was miserable so I wanted the world to be the same way, I want to share my pain, you know. Fuckin’ unfair if it was just me who suffers, right? What do you think? Dad was starting to tear up so I turned away. Couldn’t bear to see my father cry like guinea pig. Yuck. As I was on my way out of my room, I heard Dad say,”Son, don’t push us away.”, and I didn’t have to glance at his face to know how he looked like when he uttered those heartbreaking words. God, I am totally burning in hell. He knows I’m into drugs and that I’m skipping classes yet he continues to support my studies. Business is bankrupt and we have to sell some stuff off so we won’t go totally broke. Dad, you are my personal superman. Guess, you loved your son that much, huh. Now, look at you. Once a proud man now working as a door to door salesperson just to support his family. Man, I am such a shameless brat. I do not deserve your love, it is killing me.

Friends? They do not exist. I mean, they just call you a friend if you have something beneficial to them. Just like money, they would all be gone in a flash. That’s how friends are. They smile at you when you pass by and throw praises in the air about you when you are around. Funny when you’re gone they talk like you never came and went. They pry your secrets into the open and sell your soul to Satan. They will suck you dry, like those damn leeches. But hey, not everybody would actually be like that. I realized that just now. I mean, I have a few friends who stayed with me through thick and thin and who actually survived my distasteful tantrums. So, true friends exist then. Amazing. They must have loved me flaws and all. That is just great. Not everybody likes a not so likable person, if you get what I mean. Loving must mean being open-minded, considerate and thoughtful then. Was I ever like that? Hmm.

Why am I full of hate? Is it because no one loves me? Or because I do not know how to love?

I graduated college and now have a decent job. Few friends I can hang out with and a loving family always on my side. What did I do to deserve this? Lord, tell me. I am so confused. One look at my family and friends and I have found the reason. They loved me with all their heart. Their love healed my wounds and helped me tread the right path. I have finally found the me I have looked for.

Love. Respect. Peace. And everything fell into place. This must be…God’s grace.

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NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR (CHAR) : THIS STORY IS FICTIONAL AND IS WRITTEN ON FIRST PERSON PERSPECTIVE. PLEASE EXCUSE ANY GRAMMATICAL AND TYPO ERRORS FOR THIS IS JUST A PRODUCT OF BOREDOM (CHAR AGAIN). HOPE YOU ENJOY MY LITTLE STORY AND YOU GET SOMETHING FROM IT (CHAR TIMES THREE :3)