Yo, shut up.

She's Blue

When and Now

I remember enjoying life.

I remember being innocent.

I remember seeing the knife.

I remember getting belligerent.

I remember pleading to die.

I remember asking why.

I remember writing bye.

I remember I tried to cry.

I remember losing it all the first time.

I remember jungling the sky.

I remember loving the high as I climb.

I remember this guy.

I remember the pain.

I remember ignoring the advice.

I remember the mental chains.

I remember feeling ashamed.

I remember shouting in vain.

I remember who I'd blamed.

I remember I lost my brain.

I remember I was lying on the ground.

I remember hearing the fire crackle.

I remember feeling my body had drowned.

I remember my lungs got tackled.

I remember opening my eye.

I remember looking about.

I remember how the clouds didn't look like a lie.

I remember it washed my doubt.

I remember smiling again.

I remember sending love.

I remember what I did gain.

I remember staying right above.

I remember being glad I didn't die.

I remember enjoying life.

Why bother?

The ugly truth of it all you're all alone. no amount of people can fill that void, you're always lonely. what can fix it is unknown, just creeps up like the darkness. Feel no love just pain, unexplainable pain. Everyone disappears yet they're still here, just dry laughs, fake smiles. It hurts but nobody understands. Just keep it inside and pretend.

Time

Life is light but people have been handed different shades. the ones with the smallest eyes get the brightest sight, others can't even handle the dim light. the weakest ones are the people to smile the biggest, hiding back their fears until the darkness hits them. some can't handle the brightness and the fears over power their mind until they're on the floor praying for more time.. more time to adjust, more time to fight through the right way. more time to put the evil away, more time to lay the pills down, more time to remove the bullets. more time to call, and more time to save yourself.

I thought.

I knew I would never love again. I knew I rather be alone. I promised myself that I should just end it all because if I can't have her why have life? I gave her so much power over me. I was her slave. I would drop to my knees. For the longest she had my soul, ya know. I couldn't make sense of it. I thought it was me. I thought I tried to be everything she said she needs. I thought she found it in her. I was dead inside for months. I would drink until my brain punished me and made me think of her. She haunted my dreams, my reality. She was everything I breathed. I begged and I looked foolish. But who could I blame? I knew she was in the middle of the quicksand and I leaped in. She smoked away my name, my face, our moments. I drank away my sanity. With swollen eyes I looked to the stars. I let them flood and drown in rhythm and blues. After torturing myself I find false peace. I dry my tears and keep going. I find mary jane and I play her in games. She tells me there is more to life than this. She covered me and hugged me numb. I truly felt peace. I felt brand new. I set new rules. I'm becoming who I always was... meant to be... with or without her.

Sunroof Writing.

Do you ever think of the past? Think of how things could play out in the future? How you deny those thoughts and focus on the present. It's not the same, for either. One suffers more than the other. Images replaying like a broken record. Emotions painted with permanent paint so its state is always there. Its glare is always there its flair is always there. The beauty in it is hard to see but not invisible. It's easy to drown in the pain than feeling it. Feel the pain and get better. Get better where you better yourself and being in a better state of mind being better physically and seeking them to feel better mentally. It can be done. It's happened before no one completely closes the door in this manner in this situation. Months don't make it better, not seeing, hearing, smelling, listening, breathing, touching them for months don't make it better. But cause a deeper craving. Anybody can love anybody at any moment at any time. But when it's that one person that one nobody that can love right at any moment at any time after. Can't love like you do for the one. Never. Not even if you tried you wouldn't know how. Can't be done. Just can't be done. Is it crazy to only want that one? No one else will or could do justice. The love will continue to grow through the empty months even when things change and faces don't mean a thing as they pass. Not until it's the one.

Blocked.

I would wait years I would take these tears and stay under for years. I have nothing to give to another. I have nothing to do. I would wait for you. A missing piece found but misplaced. To share her love to another. Dear God I love her. I'll stay here, in the same place left to start again. I would wait forever. I have nothing to give to another. I have nothing to do so why bother? The Lord knows I love her so I will wait for my lover. I will wait for my heart I will wait for forever. My eyes red from waiting. My body shaking. My heart locked for waiting. My brain down from thinking. Sweet Lord I don't want another, just the one who has my heart in her pocket. Who has the power for this or nothing. Golden. A treasure surely to be kept safe. In my arms I see the only place. Face to face is what I miss, a few written words to cover the distance. A few written words that

can't fully express my commitment. It's no joke, that's the one for me the Lord knows.

Untitled

The erotic touch you daydream about only to be shot down by the irony of her not loving you as much, as much as she says she does anyway. the brutal heart ache that lives in your shadow because you can't come clean about it, because y'all were never ' a thing '. right? so what else to do? just chisel it away. slowly, yet hopefully, it'll all disappear. because you're fine physically, but psychologically you're so misplaced. I guess you can love from afar, but the law of the heart can only work but so hard.