I Won't See You Tonight

"It's just an odd thought." I said as I turned to face Rayne. "Thinking about how he's could be living such a happy life. A girlfriend, a nice house, a good job, a happy view on living. And then I'm here. Boring old Kyle Marshall, a tragic wreck dwelling on seemingly happy text messages and memories of phone calls even though they brought such a negative feeling rather than a feeling of joy, which I told everyone I felt." 

She rolled her eyes at me and chuckled. "I doubt it. He's probably drowning in guilt."

"Why would he be drowning in gulit? For all we know he could be glad he left."

"From what you're told me, I'm guessing he's realized by now how he completely ruined a girls self image. A young one too, you're only 16. He was what, 20 or 21? He couldn't handle feeling bad about treating you like shit and causing you to go down a spiral of self loathing, so he thought leaving would make him feel better and forget it though he probably thinks about you as much as you think about him." Rayne responded.

I shrugged. "I guess. Its been a year though. Why can't I get over him?"

~~

It's been two months since Brendon left. Two months I've spent rereading every single email, Skype message, and text message. Remembering the sound of his deep voice with the hidden twang of a Southern accent always made me melt when we talked on the phone for hours. I slammed my laptop shut and nearly threw it to the end of my bed. I couldn't deal with the thought of him literally leaving. He blocked me from all forms of contact, luckily I still had our messages. 

I grabbed my phone and fumbled through my address book, scrolling through the list of names that probably don't even know the slightest about me until I got to the contact 'Brendon.' I dialed it and quickly held the phone up to my ear, holding back sobs.

One ring, two rings, three rings, and then voicemail. "The number you are trying to reach is unable to get to the phone right now. Please leave a message after the beep."

Beep. "Brendon, I'm sorry that this is probably around the 100th time I've called you since we stopped talking but please, I need you right now. I feel so alone, I can't go on anymore. Please, Brendon, just text me. Even if its a blank text or just the word 'hi', I need to know I'm not completely alone. I love y-."

Voicemail delivered. 

I brought my knees up to my chest and rested my head on both of them, swaying back and fourth on my bed. Though the room was warm considering it was summer, I felt so cold. I couldn't stand, I felt like my legs were too numb to move. It's official, Brendon Dwayne Fox didn't care about me. I eyed the bottle of sleeping medication by my desk I took daily due to my insomnia that had been occurring for the last month. My parents didn't pay much attention to it, they just got me sleeping pills and called it a day. 

No. I thought to myself. You're stronger than that. What if his phone was dead and he honestly would've picked it up and apologized for leaving? What if he truly cared about you even though he didn't act like it. What if he still felt the same about you?

I nearly screamed. I couldn't handle this constant growing war in my head. This wasn't how teeangers should think, nor anyone. I shouldn't want to end it all, I should be happy someone actually cared about me once, right? 

Why did he leave? My mind started flooding my thoughts with questions. Was I not pretty enough? Was I not smart enough, he was a really intelligent guy so that must be a possibility. Was I too fat? Was I not funny enough? Was I not good enough? Was I not 'girlfriend' material? Was it because I was too emotional? Was it because I wasn't emotional enough? He always got confused when I never got jealous so that could be true. Why did he leave?

I fell back on my pillow. Nearly ripping my hair out. Three months ago, I was so happy. I was confident, I was happy, I was the one gushing about how sweet her boyfriend was, I was the one always helping others. Now I'm the one who needs help more than anything. I've asked myself more question in the past 10 minutes than ever in my years of living. I'm breathing, that's good. I actually exist. I can't decide whether to be happy about that or not. 

I had three really good friends, a nice house, clean water, food to eat, a good family. What is there to be upset about, right? I'm just a hormonal teenage girl with attachment issues, right? This is totally normal. I'm a girl who is sad about a boy, you read about it in every novel, you see it in every school hallway, you see it in every family, you see it in every city. It's normal. This feeling is normal? I hope not. Nobody should feel this way. 

I need to sleep, it's almost four in the morning. I need to be able to function tomorrow, I have to go act like nothing is wrong and slip on my mask of smiles, bad puns, fart jokes, and laughs so nobody will ask questions. That's the worst people could do, ask about him. I've been trying to repress it all, so even the slightest reminder could cause a panic attack. I had a fear of sleeping nowadays, afraid that when I wake up someone else will leave.

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