Transition

5

The day flew by... but by "flew by," I mean I dragged it along as long as I could without speaking to Maddie, Jade, Kayley, or even Riley. Which was a challenge, because after first period, I learned that I had at least one of them in each of my following classes, and lunch with all four of them. Maddie and Riley were the only ones who hadn't pushed me to speak. Maddie, I knew why, but Riley... Riley was just being shy or something of that sort. I knew that because Kayley kept giving her teasing glances when Riley and I would make eye contact.

I felt guilty that I was icing them all out, but after knowing that Maddie knew, my mind couldn't wrap grasp that maybe they all knew. And I was beyond relieved when I finally hopped into my truck and got to drive home in solitude. Almost immediately, I turned the truck on and shifted into drive, only to be stopped by a very familiar, feminine figure running out to stop me. She waved her arms frantically and her raven hair falling into her face and I quickly put the car in park. Maddie hopped in without a thought.

"Hey Crosby," she greeted between breaths. I just gawked at her and she rolled her eyes, "I rode with Riles today, dude. I actually do need a ride."

"Okay but why not ride with Riley?" I asked softly, only a slight bite to my tone. She rolled her eyes.

"Because Riley hasn't been icing me out all day. And I really think we should talk about-"

"What is there to talk about, Maddie?" I growled, putting the truck into drive again. "You know, and now that you know, there's a chance that they might figure it out."

She scoffed, shifting in her seat to be further from me, "You're joking, right? You think that lowly of me? I was telling the truth in that note, Sawyer. I won't tell a soul."

I clenched my jaw and drummed my thumbs on the wheel. She just watched me in silence before a small smile and a quirked eyebrow played on her features as she looked between me and the road. I couldn't help but let out a soft chuckle, "What?"

She shook her head, "You do realize that you didn't even ask for the address, right?"

"Oh... I guess I didn't."

"And yet you're still driving toward my house."

I let out a laugh, "Yeah, well we used to hang out all of the time as kids, Mads. I don't know if I could ever forget the way to yours, or Riley's, or even Kayley's houses. Call me crazy."

"You are crazy, Crosby."

I looked at her and smiled, realizing how incredibly stupid it was for me to think that Maddie would ever betray my trust. She was always the most loyal of the group, not to say that Kayley or Riley weren't, but Maddie was always there even when they weren't. She understood me on a deeper level, in a way.

"So Mads... you got to ask me, so I get to ask you- got a girlfriend?" I asked as I pulled up to her house, putting the car in park. I leaned against the driver's side door and rested my head against the window. I didn't look away from her and I saw a blush creep slowly onto her face. I grinned, "Holy shit, the Ice Queen of Kennedy High has a girlfriend-"

"Not a girlfriend, per se," she corrected me, but not before whacking my arm. I raised my eyebrows. "Just a girl. Not a big deal."

"Not a big deal," I mocked, and she straightened up her leather jacket before giving me her signature death glare. I never took those seriously in childhood, so I figured why start then? "So does this girl go to Kennedy?"

"No. And anyways, don't you have a lucky lady or are you still hung up on my cousin?"

My smile faded and was immediately replaced by a grimace. I shook my head, but avoided making eye contact with her. "There's no one."

She nodded wordlessly before grabbing her bag, and slowly sliding out of the truck. She ran a hand through her hair and smiled, "Thanks for the ride, Crosby."

I exhaled slowly and gave her a weak nod. She closed the door and sauntered over to her home. She looked back and waved, indicating that I could drive away, and so I did. My thoughts took me back to middle school, to a secret that no one but Maddie knew... at least, not in that town.

I walked into my room and saw Maddie sitting on my bed, but she wasn't flipping through my DVD's. No, instead, she was flipping through something else entirely: a notebook. Not just any notebook, but the notebook that had my letters to Riley. Love letters. And I could tell by the look on Maddie's face that she had caught on rather quickly. I dashed across the room and snatched it from her grasp as quickly as I possibly could.

"Don't!" I begged, scrambling to see which entry she had read and when I read the words 'I think I've always been in love with you,' I threw the book down and crumbled to my knees, sobs tearing through me like ocean waves. I felt a gentle touch on my back, rubbing small circular patterns on the fabric of my hoodie. I could barely breathe, the pure panic of it all taking over me.

But Maddie just whispered words of reassurance to me, "Shhh... it's alright. I promise... everything's alright... I won't tell..."

"Y-Y-You think th-that I'm a freak now, r-right?" I managed through my sobs. She tugged me into her arms and placed me into her lap.

She muttered, "Why would I think that when I feel the same way about girls that you do, Crosby..."

My head shot up and I made eye contact with her. She smiled, but it was sad and forced. I began to calm as her hands ran softly through my hair as though I was breakable, and I suppose I was.

"You do?" I asked, barely audible. And she nodded.

"But I know that isn't all, S... I read something else... not just that page..."

My mind ran almost in circles trying as hard as I could to remember what exactly I had written in that god forsaken thing. But she didn't let me overthink it.

She took a deep breath before continuing her thought, "I won't think- no, I don't think- any differently of you because of this. Any of this. But I read that... that you feel... please just... just understand what I'm trying to say, okay? Please think because I don't know how to say it without it coming out stupidly, and I don't want to hurt you-"

As soon as she began to speak again, I knew exactly what she was referring to. My blood ran cold, and it's like I froze. I knew she could tell because my body went completely rigid. But I wanted her to know. I could trust Maddie, and even though she read my journal, a part of me felt glad that at least someone knew. It was killing me. So I had to finish her thought. I had to talk to someone, because the more isolated I made myself, the worst I felt. I didn't want to go to a dark place. So I spoke, barely above a whisper, but loud enough for Maddie to hear me.

"I... I f-feel like... like a boy..."