Dreamscape

three

I sat up with tears flowing from the corner of my eyes. I couldn’t help them, even in my sleep I had been reduced to crying. These dark dreams have always felt real, too real, while they were happening. I clutched at my heart, and hugged my own weak torso as I took in short and shallow breaths, willing myself to slow down. But there was little else I could do when I started to sob into my knees, despite myself, and curse everything.

It’s a new day. And I wonder what it could mean for me.

It’s sunrise. I woke up early again, despite sleeping late. I don’t want to go back to sleep so I force myself to get up and get ready. The warm jets of water from the shower head were comforting, as warm as the tears that flowed from my eyes just a while ago. My iPod begins to play Asleep by The Smiths, and I start to sing under my breath, letting the warm waters wash all thoughts and feelings (it succeeds to some extent).

Sing me to sleep, sing me to sleep. And then leave me alone. Don’t try to wake me ‘cause I will be gone. There is a better world, there is a better world…

Could there be a better world? If I truly, truly sleep…and refuse to wake, would there be a better world for me? Or would I only be absorbed into the dark, grey world of my nightmares? Or maybe there’s nothing waiting for me. No new life, no heaven nor hell, nothing. Death is terrifying because it’s an enigma – too mystifying, with no way to truly know what it’s like because the dead cannot speak. So I cling to this life because I don’t have what it takes to end it on my own.

There is a better world. There is a better world. Well, there must be.

There must be, but what if there’s not? What if there’s nothing? Would sleeping, and never waking up all be worth it?

I stare into space and realize how much water I had wasted by standing there, thinking about death and asking pointless questions I’d never know the answer to. I was aware of this, and yet I kept on staring and thinking about it. Would it hurt so much? To die? For me, it must. I already get a taste in my dreams sometimes…

I didn’t want to get out but I knew I had to. My hands started to move on their own, mechanical and semi-automatic, doing its job of rinsing away the dirt from my skin. The water worked its wonders, and I wished it could also erase all the memories and the pain, and wash them all down the drain.

∞

It was too early. I spent about an hour in the shower, and thanked whatever force compelled me to finally leave that small, cream-walled room, and stop wasting water. I dried my hair, and grabbed a hoodie, before slamming the door behind me and heading outside. There was nothing to do indoors. Quite unfortunately, as I would soon realize, there was also nothing to do outside at this time, 7:21 am.

After a few more steps, the dark grey hoodie was enveloping my body, and I welcome the warmth. My hands sink deep into the front pockets, and I stare blankly ahead. The sun was already up and about, but I like the warm, weak sun rays. Later it would be too hot to bear, but right now, it’s just right. I stare down at my Chuck Taylors, and wonder where I’m going. My feet carried me along to a familiar path, so I mindlessly walk. I bet the birds are singing right now, but I won’t hear because once again, I have music flooding my ears. I wouldn’t have left without my music to keep me company.

Sweet disposition. Never too soon, oh, reckless abandon. Like no one’s watching you.

Words, words. These lyrics, and this melody, the voice, the beats – my soul drinks them all in. I trudge along my familiar path by the edge of the campus grounds, towards the fast food chains just outside the gates, silently thanking the heavens for whoever decided that music was a thing that existed.