frasier one-shots

The Haircut

This takes place at about the end of season 2, where Frasier still has his long hair.

"I think we have time for one last caller. Roz, who's on the line?"

"We have Linda on line two," Roz replied.

"Hello, Linda. I'm listening."

"Well, you see, Dr. Crane, two years ago--"

Frasier leaned back in his chair. The chair fell backwards, and his headphones slipped off.

Roz sighed and muttered something presumably unkind.

He quickly got up and slammed his headphones back on and grasped the microphone.

"So what should I do, Dr. Crane?" Linda was saying.

Frasier looked at Roz desperately. She didn't meet his gaze.

"Um, Linda, in situations like this, it's sometimes best to just take our problem and put into one quick statement. Can you do that?"

"My husband is dead!"

"Oh. Oh... perhaps back to the wordy version then?" Frasier asked hopefully.

"Forget it," Linda said angrily, hanging up.

"Well, that's all the time we have for today. Stay tuned for Bob 'Bulldog' Brisco with the Gonzo Sports Show. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you a good day and good mental health."

Frasier ended the show and yanked his headphones off violently. Roz walked into his booth and handed him his faxes. Frasier snatched them up and stuffed them in his briefcase.

"Well someone's in a mood today," Roz observed.

"Of course I'm in a mood today! Everyone's in a mood today, so long as they have feelings!" Frasier snapped.

"Oh, come on, Frasier. I can tell when something is wrong."

"Alright! If you must know, I'm getting a hair cut today, and I'm quite worried. Hair is, often times, the first thing you notice when meet someone. It needs to be bold yet understated. Dashing yet gentle. Per--"

"Okay, okay, that's enough. I'm sure it'll be fine. You worry too much."

"You're right, Roz. I don't have anything to worry about. And, if the barber were to get it wrong, well, I'm such a famous radio personality that he would be so ashamed he just couldn't live with himself."

"Oh, so you're trying to kill a man? Nice." Roz said sarcastically.

•••

Frasier walked into his apartment battling with his umbrella until he finally gave up and tossed it behind him into the hallway. He hung up his coat and collapsed on the couch.

The doorbell rang. "Daphne?" Frasier said weakly.

Daphne ran out of the kitchen. "Oh, I'll get it! It's not like I was doing anything!"

She opened the door. "Oh hello, Dr. Crane! Excuse me for one moment, me breast is burning." She ran off.

Niles stood there and blinked.

"She means the chicken, Niles!" Frasier said.

"Oh. Well. I brought some wine!"

"Really? What kind?"

"A 1982 Cabernet Sauvignon... only the Chateau Latour Pauillac!"

"My God, Niles! How did you manage to get your hands on such a rarity?!"

"Oh, I have my sources." Niles said, smiling slyly.

"It was a gift from Maris, wasn't it?"

"That women has more money than I have allergies!" Niles said proudly.

"Alright come on, let's pour it." They filled two glasses and cautiously took a sip.

"Oh, Niles," Frasier exclaimed. "It's like nothing I've ever tasted before. It's bold yet understated. Dashing yet gentle. Per--"

"Hey! Do you mind? The game's about to start and I won't be able to hear it if you keep raving over a glass of grape juice!" Martin said.

Niles nearly choked. "A glass of grape juice? A glass of grape juice?"

"Yeah, yeah. It's your precious 409 cabinet something-yon. I mean, it's a glass of wine. Treat it like a glass of wine, not a god."

Niles sputtered. "But-but--"

"Niles, calm down," Frasier said. "Why don't you go help Daphne in the kitchen?"

Niles immediately stopped wheezing. "Okay!" He said happily, prancing into the kitchen.

•••

Frasier arrived at the barber shop and settled into his chair. A man came over, smacking his gum and playing with his scissors. "Hey," he said. "Whadda you want?"

"I want this entire long part to be cut off, but-- now listen to me carefully-- it needs to be bold yet understated. Dashing yet gentle. Per--" Frasier was cut off by the barber.

"Yeah, I can do that." He began to cut Frasier's hair.

"Great, the man has no idea what I want. He looks so inexperienced that I'm probably his first ever client." Frasier muttered to himself.

A few minutes later

A few minutes later, the barber had finished. "Whaddayathink?" He asked.

"Well... I actually think I like it. It's bold... yet understated. Dashing yet gentle. Per--"

"Alright, alright you've already wasted enough of my time."

•••

Eddie rolled around on the couch eagerly, his tongue sticking out of his mouth. When he heard Frasier get out of the elevator, he quickly got off the couch and ran towards Marty's room.

"Hello, Dr. Crane. Oh, I love your haircut!" Daphne greeted him.

"Thank you, Daphne. I'm quite fond of it too. Now, if you'll excuse me--"

Frasier lost his train of thought and walked slowly over to the sofa. He knelt down and inspected the cushions. "Eddie's been rolling on this again, hasn't he?"

•••

Yaaaay! that was my first one- shot! I hope you guys liked it. I'm really proud of it. Oh and if this book doesn't get updated very often, don't worry. Either I have writers block, I'm busy, or I'm just lazy. It takes me a few days to write one chapter.