Entries

If you don't read the description, this isn't one of my writings. it's a "so you know" thing. This holds a MAJOR trigger warning for those of you that self harm, are recovering, struggle with depression, etcetera.

My bad thoughts are coming back. I'm close to relapsing. I usually talk to my boyfriend when the thoughts come back, but I'm worried that I do it too much. so I'm talking to my friend Kylie. Or, trying to. she hasn't responded to my text. I sent her one long one saying that the thoughts are coming back and I need her help.

I have my music playing, and I hope that Oli Sykes, Vic Fuentes and the others will help keep the thoughts at bay. if they don't, and I relapse, then I need to say this: I've been clean since February 3, 2014. It's been a long road to recovery. my scars are healed. I write "Wrists are made for bracelets, not for cutting" on my arm every day. it's a quote by Kellin Quinn. Almost every time the thoughts come back, I end up with my knife at my wrist. but I can't cut. I can't cut through the quote. that quote has been my savior almost every time I've had thoughts of relapsing.

I've planned that if I ever run away, which I am fully prepared for, or commit suicide, I will leave a note. I will tell my family to read the poems I have written on here, in a specific order. I will tell them my phone password. I will tell them the order in which to read the poems. I will tell them why I did what I did. I will have the date that I last cut, and the date and time I ran away/killed myself. I will have other things.

Why am I writing all of this in a wattpad story? Because I want you all to know. I've had two fellow users direct message me, and they both have/do self harm. I can relate to them directly. And they can relate to me. so if one day, I stop answering messages or stop posting stories, this is what happened.

I just wanted you guys to know what's going on. I'm in the middle of writing another poem, but it can wait. I hope you guys understand. I'll post updates in this about what's going on. I will try to make them daily, but that's not likely to happen. If I don't post anything for more than three days, you're welcome to message me. message me anytime you like. if I don't answer, I'm likely going through a rough time with my depression and/or anxiety. Please understand.

If you read this, thank you. I will post updates under this writing set. I have struggled with severe depression since December at the very latest, but it has probably been longer than that. my family doesn't know. nobody in my family knows. Only a few people know that I have ever self harmed.

as of right now, at 12:18 central US time, the thoughts have been haunting my mind for about thirty minutes. that's the longest it has been since I last cut. the thoughts never last more than ten. I think I'm going to cut soon. I don't want to, but it might happen.

I need to go do something to separate myself from reality. I will either draw, play video games, write song lyrics from my favorite bands, or just lay on my bed for a while. any messages I get will likely not be responded to for anywhere from thirty minutes to a few hours. but I will try to respond today.

I hope you all understand what I'm going through. depression is a terrible mind condition. Ask anybody you know that has ever had depression or anorexia, bulimia, have self harmed, or other things that are caused by depression, and they will tell you the same thing. it's something they would never wish on anybody.

Please message me if you struggle with anything I listed above, or things I haven't listed. I likely missed a few things. more than a few, actually. but feel free to message me. I won't answer immediately, though. But I will try to help.

So long and goodnight.