swear to shake it up | ryden

-3-

triggers- suicide
ryan ross

I laid in bed and watched the ceiling. The bare, empty ceiling. I could hear him breathing softly beside me, and I could feel his warm body against the side of mine.

I wanted to smile. I wanted to enjoy how cute he was. But I was empty.

Not only that, I was a burden.

Too many thoughts. Not enough noise. Too much silence. Too much room for negativity to take over.

Too much room for me to hurt my beautiful boyfriend. He wouldn't care if I ended it all.

The loudest voice in my brain was telling me he wouldn't. The whole time he was only there because I freaked out in the mall and he felt bad. His plan was never 'buy a shirt, give it to an attractive person', he just got tangled up when he realised that I was hurting.

That was only the loudest voice.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew the truth. I knew this was all bullshit, but knowing that didn't make me feel any better. It did nothing, other than make me question myself more.

The ceiling. Blank. Bleak. White. Empty.

Reminded me of someone.

I remember how awful I felt that night. How low I was. How tempted I was to climb right out of bed and leave through the window. Leave without the safety I'd pushed onto Brendon.

Falling sounded fun. Dropping down, down, down.

I could imagine time slowing all the way down as I watched the bridge get smaller and smaller. As I watched the water getting closer.

God, the thought of it excited me. All I had to do was escape Brendon.

It wasn't until he nudged me back into reality that I realised I was dripping with sweat.

Good job, Ryan.

I rubbed my face and quietly climbed out of bed, dragging my feet as I walked to the bathroom. I took my time in the shower, being in there for at least twenty minutes.

Once again, watching the ceiling.

It wasn't until Brendon coaxed me out and dried me off that I stopped feeling so disconnected. I hadn't noticed his shouting, or the fact that the water had run cold.

All I noticed was the ceiling. Bleak and empty.

He led me back to bed, and there I stayed.

I don't remember sleeping any more that night. Just playing with Brendon's hair and watching the ceiling.

this is very very short sorry ill try harder next time