unlikely // the 100

I Said No, No, No

*Clarke*
"Grief is not as heavy as guilt, but it takes more away from you."
-Veronica Roth

It took almost three months for Raven and I to realize Finn was sick. And it took even longer for us to realize that he abused drugs. In reality, they were basically the same thing.

Things were a lot different then. Me and Raven weren't as close, although we probably would've said differently. I worked more often, barely trudging through each day. That's why I never noticed that anything was wrong. But most important, there was no Bellamy. And I realized that that made all the difference.

"We should've done this months ago." I admitted as Raven slid into the driver's side of her beat up pickup truck. The one that we hauled Finn to rehab in. I doubted getting the smell of sweat and alcohol out of the seats would be easy.

"I told you so." Raven replied without a bit of amusement in her voice. How could she when her ex was a druggie who was admitted three months too late? I felt awful but we both knew there was nothing to be done to fix it.

"How was it in there?"

While I filled out the paper work with Finn, Raven took a tour around the facility. It looked promising on the brochure but when we pulled up it seemed more like a prison than anything else.

"Better than we thought." The truck started up with a rumble and Raven turned to back out. "The staff seems nice. Patients are a mess but I didn't expect much from rehab." When we were pulled safely into the parking lot and headed back into the city, Raven finally looked me in the eyes, the first time since we brought Finn inside. "How was he?"

It was hard enough grabbing Finn from his home and surprising him with rehab, but it was even worse to find that he had no reaction at all. The entire car ride there was silent, with Finn curled in a ball in the backseat like a child. I felt like I was taking a kid from his family or maybe a corpse from it's place of death.

"Broken." I sighed, his pale face flashing through my head. It was like he wasn't there anymore, the light gone from his eyes. Trying to talk to him was like talking to a stranger. I didn't recognize the bruises under his eyes or the tremors in his hands.

Raven took a shaky breath and I knew she'd keep it together. She had this entire time. It was her who suggested rehab and her who visited him once a week so that he took care of himself. The guilt of it weighed on me because I wasn't there at all. Only to sign the paperwork.

"Well, he has to get better soon." She said, clenching the steering wheel in her fists. "That's why he's there."

"Right." I nodded, agreeing with her but still feeling awful. I needed to do more for him. I should've been there. But the answer was clear as soon as I thought it. If I didn't do it then I could do it now.

"Am I dropping you at home?" Raven asked after a few minutes of quiet. She began fiddling with the radio and I knew she was better. Ready to talk about other things.

"No, Everything But the Kitchen Sink. I told you where it was, right?"

Raven broke into a grin. "Don't deflect me with directions. That's Bellamy's diner. You're going to see Bellamy!"

"Well, we are kinda sorta dating." I shrugged, staring out the window to hide my smile. The car lurched to a stop at a light and I thought Raven would hit me by the loo on her face.

"Oh please. You're basically in love."

"Oh my God!" I laughed, "It's only been a few weeks."

Raven shrugged innocently and moved the car forward until the light turned again. We were so close to the restaurant I considered getting out and walking to avoid anymore harrassment.

"If we count Halloween it's been over a month."

"Dear Lord." I reached over and turned up the radio, ignoring Raven's cackling.

It wasn't that I didn't want to talk about Bellamy. God, that's all I wanted. But with Raven, things were different, especially after what we had just done. Our relationships had been crossed for so long that I wanted to finally escape. Maybe Raven thought the same thing because her face slowly dropped.

"Does he know about Finn?" That red light couldn't have gone any longer.

"No."

"So, he has no idea where you're coming from?" She didn't ask it in an accusing way. Just curious, like she was trying to understand. I swallowed hard.

"No."

Raven sucked in  a breath and nodded. The light finally flashed green and we glided forward and around the corner, where Everything But the Kitchen Sink gleamed. I couldn't be happier to see a diner in my life.

"Clarke." Raven put her hand on my arm before I could get out. I met her eyes and wondered when we had become this. Friends but not friends at all. When did I start hiding things from people? Hiding from myself?

"I'll tell him."

That's all I said before getting out and entering the diner and I hoped she understood what it meant. That I wasn't throwing Finn under the rug or giving up on him. I was going to fix things. And it took everything in me to place Finn in the back of my mind when I spotted Bellamy in our corner booth and he smiled like I was the greatest thing he'd seen all day. I would tell him. Just not right now.