Don't Let Me Know (Top x Reader) one-shot

Top X Reader

((DEPRESSION AND SELF HARM TRIGGER WARNING))

Bury all your secrets in my skin.
Come away with innocence
and leave me with my sins.
The air around me still feels like a cage.
And love is just a camouflage
for what resembles rage again.

I sat alone in the house that used to be her's. The rooms that were once full of furniture and life were now empty and dark. Im unsure of what made me come in the first place as I dragged my finger tips down the hallway's light blue walls.

The room that was once her bedroom was open and I felt a trembling sigh escape my lips as I thought of how we once slept in the same bed together. In the sheets we kept each other warm with the presence of one-another... I never liked it when people touched me and she was my only exception. I could still hear her laughs as I walked around the perimeter of her bedroom. The longer I lingered the more worked up I got until my breaths were uneaven and choppy. A tear or two fell down to my chin and pitter pattered onto the wood floor that I slowly sat down on. I couldn't tell if I was angry or devastated at our departure.

So if you love me, let me go
And run away before I know
My heart is just too dark to care
I can't destroy what isn't there
Deliver me into my fate
If I'm alone, I cannot hate
I don't deserve to have you...
My smile was taken long ago
If I can change, I hope I never know

If there's one thing I regret most it was my lack of emotion I put on display when she told me she no longer wanted to be my partner.

Her voice was soft like a whisper and on her rose- stained cheeks I could see tears of what seemed to be pain, then a fake smile that only disappeared with more tears.

Instead of breaking down like my head wanted to I remained very still and stared at her in disbelief. I didn't get why then but it's starting to all make sense.

She showed me in small ways that she loved me more than anyone else in the world... but I was never the clingy type. I didn't argue to get her back. I told her that I respected her decision and continued to stand emotionlessly in shock.

I wasn't mad at her, I didn't hate her. She was right. She didn't seem to realize it but she deserved better than what I had to offer. Her kind touch, her gentle voice, soft eyes.

Now that she's gone I no longer smile or laugh. My eyes don't shine. When I look at myself I see a shell of the man I used to be. Nowadays I just sit and drink wine with a changed mind. Instead of scoially drinking I sit alone in my kitchen most nights and rub my temples.

I never want to believe that I can have her back after what I put her through. I know I could tell her to give me another chance and she'd come back in a heart beat, but I can't find it within myself to change. Changing me wasn't what she wanted, that's why she left me. Right?

I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn't face a life without your light
But all of that was ripped apart... when you refused to fight

I should have paid more attention to how she kissed me because recently I've found myself missing that tingling sensation in my lips. I miss her hands on my chest, or tangled in my hair.

Now I know that she meant everything to me. That night she left without a word I knew I was in living hell.

I still don't know what I'm supposed to do now that she's gone.

So save your breath, I will not hear
I think I made it very clear
You couldn't hate enough to love
Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend
Then I could hurt you in the end
I never claimed to be a saint...
My own was banished long ago
It took the death of hope to let you go

Nothing she could ever say would ever change my mind. I failed her. (Y/n).... seung hyun oppa is so sorry...

If you hadnt started out with being a long time friend of mine, maybe it would've been easier to say goodbye...

You were my hopes and dreams and now theres nothing left....

So as I say this I lift what will set me free from my jacket pocket, my hands shaking as I contemplate just going home.

I can't back down. This isnt your fault.

I love you.

I smile for you.

Goodbye, (y/n).