The Silence of Struggle

Prologue <3

DEAR DIARY

They said writing this would help, I don't see how, but I have to write everything in here.

I guess I should start from the beginning if I have to write about this.

It started when my twin sister and I were on our way back from a party three years ago, we were 15 then, way too young for a party like that, we got really drunk, well, we didn't really drink that much, but it was the first time we had ever drank, so we were way past tipsy.

We had to get a ride home from someone we barely knew, we had only ever seen this girl in school a few times, but we trusted her, well, I guess you couldn't really say trust when we were highly intoxicated, we could've been kidnapped and we'd still be laughing and having a good time.

We always had a good time.

At 3 am, there are quite a few drunk drivers on the road so there was a high chance we would encounter one, we did.

Gosh, this is more difficult than I expected.

The other car hit us, which killed our driver on impact as it was her side of the car, my sister was on that side too.

My sister, Everleigh, she had major brain injuries and leg damage, there was so much blood, so much.

I looked over the other side of the car, feeling dizzy and banged up, but not as bad as them.

I didn't have my phone, neither did Ever, I supposed the girl driving might have, but no matter how bad I needed to call the ambulance, I couldn't bring myself to search her, when she was so clearly dead.

It was a horrible sight, I was so scared, and my body was frozen in place, I couldn't move from the shock of the impact, but when I looked over to my sister, my body moved itself over to her.

I called her name, she was breathing, I was so relieved, I spoke to her, but her response was weak, she said "Finny, I'm so sorry, I love you." I cried as I held her, screaming, in case anyone could hear me, hoping someone would call the police. They did, thankfully, I felt dizzy, like I was going to black out any second, but I had to keep strong for Ever, when the ambulance came, they separated us, I cried and the ambulance driver held me as I shook.

I got treated for my head, checked for a concussion, I was clear, I only came out with a few scratches and bruises, I wish I could have taken some of the pain for her, at least so she didn't hurt too bad.

They said there was nothing they could do, she died that day.

Ever since that day, I'd been scared to ever go out in a car again, when ever anyone said anything to do with cars, sisters, or alcohol, I'd freak out.

I wouldn't be able to breathe, my palms would sweat and I'd shake.

My mother took me to the doctors, they said it was the trauma, PTSD.

I'd take tablets and stay off from school, I'd sit in my room with nothing do.

I couldn't read, books always have something distressing in them.

I couldn't watch movies, they would always have cars in them, even car crashes.

My mother sat with me most days, in fear that I might start self harming.

I didn't, no need to cause myself so much pain purposely when she wanted none of what she went through, she had no choice.

After a while, i still wasn't better, so my mother took me back to the doctors, i started to have a panic attack, i can't remember why, everything is a blur, but the doctors realized soon enough that it was severe anxiety, i was so worried of everything, i never knew what was safe.

My doctors gave me medication for my anxiety, clonazepam, i sometimes forget to take it, it doesn't really help anyway.

I hate taking medication.

No medication could save her.

My therapist suggested doing this, well, she forced me to. i hate going there, she listens well, but she just doesn't understand, i only cried the day she died, at the funeral, i didn't shed a single tear, ever since then, I've just felt empty.

The lady i see is called Shannon.

She doesn't get me.

Nobody does.

Nobody i know has gone through anything as bad as me.

I'm not pitying myself, i'd never do that, that's weak.

 I'm not weak, am I?

Are all these panic attacks because i'm weak?

Is that all it is?

Self pity?

Ever would know.

She knew everything.

Understood everything.

Understood me.

I can feel my eyes filling up, but i will not cry. I wont let myself.

i have to be strong for her.

That's why i'm moving school, i'm going to heartfordshire high.

we hated our school anyway.

I can't go back.

After missing nearly three years of school.

I've been doing maths and English online.

But that's all they made me do.

Other than science once a week.

Mum said i need a fresh start, that this would be good for me, i hope she's right.

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Hi guys! i hope you enjoyed the prologue.

so basically, this book is half diary, half chapters, so the next chapter will be an actual chapter, then a diary entry, the chapters will roughly be about a week, and she will write a new diary entry once a week.

Please feel free to vote, comment and share, i love all my readers <3 (even if this book only gets like 10 reads  ;D)

love you xxxxxxxxxxx