I was trying not to panic, I swear.
I tried so hard.
But sitting in my room alone at two twenty-three in the morning with a head full of thoughts and a body full of adrenalin made for a risky situation.
I wasn't even high. I had never smoked in my life. But I couldn't make sense of a single thing.
I wasn't even drunk. I hadn't been drunk before, either. Yet the lines still blurred before my eyes.
Was I crying?
What happened to the ends of my fingernails?
My knuckles were red but I don't remember why.
Was I screaming?
Someone was screaming.
Was anyone home?
Where were you?
Were you there?
I think I called you.
I think I heard an ambulance siren.
I think my ears were ringing.
I think the room was spinning.
Why was the room spinning?
Why weren't you there?
Why was I shaking?
Why was it four o' clock already?
How come the sun was rising?
Why wasn't anyone home?
I decided something then. I was determined to find someone -- anyone -- that could tell me what was going on. My head was pounding and I couldn't see that well; not to mention my hands were shaking badly. Still, I grabbed the keys and ran out the door, leaving it open behind me. The car was cold and my sunflower dress that you loved so much didn't do very well in keeping me warm. The sun was rising, casting a pale morning light on the earth that you loved as well. Almost as much as you loved my sunflower dress. I think I recall that it had been ripped at the hem. You wouldn't be happy about that. My knees stung and the light hurt my eyes but I kept on driving. The cold dew on every roadside blade of grass reflected that light a million times but I kept driving. Where was I going? Why was I even in the car? I didn't know, but I kept driving.
I felt like things were bad. Things had gone very wrong. I didn't even know if I was driving on the right side of the road or not, or where the next stoplight was. All I was aware of was my foot on the gas pedal, slowly accelerating. I had about ten thousand questions racing through my mind all at once, but only one that I can remember clearly now:
Can you stop me?
