Uh oh

Letter 4

I do not know why I am writing this. Maybe because I cannot let you go, as a friend or what ever. I'm a fucking needy, desperate person. I have trust issue, I have so many issues I have diagnosed PTSD from sexual assault and heightened recently by the fact I was in a car crash, you put up with me; god knows why. I told you everything. You were one of the best friends I ever had, I don't think you want to be friends anymore let alone talk to me. Whether it was me falling on my face and struggling o make it back to normal, or personal details of my past that caused me to do what I did and therefore break our friendship. You never did anything wrong. You were my best friend, I loved you man, and I so badly wanted to grow old with you. I made so many mistakes, one of my biggest, was fucking with our friendship because of my feeble health and sensibilities. You gave me happiness in the dark. Whenever I thought I would never smile, you gave me my smile back. You were the one I did want to grow old with, you know? Even through I was so very awkward all the time. I let my insecurities get the best of me. My heart broke as a child and splintered apart as a grew and went through everything, by the time I got to you there was nothing left except som shit mapping into my lungs. I was scared, so scared you may leave me like everyone has ever done before, I've never had anyone truly I'm alone in this world. I had never felt that kind of caring or love from a guy. I was scared, so I ran. I ran because I did not want you to hurt me, so I hurt you instead. I regret it, so much. You would have never hurt me, even if you hated me like I feel you do now, you would never hurt me cause it's not the sort of person you are. I wish we could be friends still.  I ruined it, I fucked up, and I blame myself every day. If you were to message me, I would probably cry because I feel numb at the moment and I just want to feel or sense some sort of emotion. Im obsessive. You deserve happiness and all you want In life . I just want something. I am sorry for how I hurt you because I'm sure I did, what I did was insensitive and inhuman . I am sorry I was so scared. Dear lord, I loved you with every broken piece of me and I probably still do.

I needed to say something final.
I shan't message you ever again if you don't want to and you probably didn't read this at tbh because I'm pretty sure you hate me and are tired of my bullshit.

I'm sorry