Sulat Para Sa'Yo. (A LETTER YOU WILL NEVER READ)

Sulat

A LETTER FOR YOU THAT YOU WILL NEVER RECEIVE.

I hope you read this at the parallel universe where there's a brave and courageous version of me.

Dear Ikaw,

   I've been through a lot of things in life. Most of it was either struggles or epic moments. You know, the best part of it is most of those hard times, you are there for me. I'm so lucky for that.

   I've been through a lot of happiness in this world. But my favorite are those times where you try your best to make me smile without you knowing it, those efforts and those little things that I find silly yet adorable. I can say that you are just like a ray of sunshine. You shine very bright when you smile too.

   I've been through a lot of questions and confusions in my life. Like, why this and why not. What could have been and the worst, "why? Just why?". And I want to confess, you are a part of my bunch of confusions. I asked myself, "Why you?". But that's fine because it is you.

   I've been pushing away most people in my life. Acting like I don't need them in my life so that they will not get attach to me because I'm tired of being left by people I care about. As far as I can remember, I already told you that I tried to push you away. I did a lot of mean things to you. Mean things that were brought by my greatest fear— that people will be fed up and tired of me then just leave me hanging. I do hate myself I did that to you. But I was surprised because you chose to stick around. I feel like I'm the luckiest person when I remember that.

   I've been denying something to myself for a long time. Why? Because I feel like it's useless and not helpful. I feel like it might destroy everything in my life. Maybe i'll just keep quiet and I will never admit it to anyone but myself.

   I've been through some fairy tale-ly moments with different people. I experienced that my heart skipped a bit and my face went red when our hands touch. I also experienced looking at someone's eyes; I only see him then the other things around me became blurry, in slow motion and I can't even hear anything except my heartbeat. I also experienced hiding to one person because I was so shy to see him but fate made a way for us to meet again. Those things are dreamy and perfect. But that's not my favorite one; it is when I meet someone that I thought won't last long to my life but after couple of years something changed.I just woke up one morning and realize: "God, I think I like that person. I really do." Believe me, it literally happened to me and it's perfect. And believe me when I say, that was about you.

   I've been through some silent heartbreaks that people do not know. Some ended perfectly, some are open ended, some ended how they should end. But with you, I think it ended with regrets and full of what ifs. You don't have a clue about it because I manage to smile right in front of your face. It feels like I'm dying but I do it because that is the right thing.

   I've been through some point in life where I want to be brave to say everything that's inside my head. Most of the time, I did it. But when it comes to you, I don't think I can do that. I always say that "Fight for someone who is worth the risk". And you know what...? For me, you are worth the risk. You deserve the world. But I still did not take the risk because we're better off this way. Why? Because I also believe: "If you find someone you want to keep around, do something about it." I can't afford to lose you in my life so I played safe and do nothing about my feelings —I chose to keep you in my life forever.

   And lastly, I've been always dreaming about you. Minsan masaya, pero madalas malungkot. Hanggang sa panaginip ba naman malungkot parin ako. At sa tuwing napapanaginipan kita at gigising ako, lalo lang tumitindi yung nararamdaman ko.

   Ayokong malaman mo dahil ayaw ko na may magbago. Ayaw kong malaman mo dahil takot akong layuan mo ako. Kaya sana kahit sa alternate timeline mo nalang sana malaman to. At least dun, baka iba lahat. Baka pareho pala tayo. O kaya naman, baka matapang ako don at kaya kong i-risk ang lahat. Pero sa ngayon, hindi ko kaya e.

   Naaalala mo ba yung sinasabi ko sayo minsan kapag nalalasing ako? Na... Sa lahat ng tao sa buhay ko, ikaw yung pinaka ayaw kong masaktan kasi mas nasasaktan ako kapag nakikita kitang nasasaktan. Totoo yun. Hanggang sa huli, yun at yun ang sasabihin ko sa iyo. Kasi you deserve all the happy things in life. Naiiyak ako habang naaalala ko to pero natatawa din ako. Kasi palagi ka rin umiiyak tuwing sinasabi ko to sayo.

   Gusto ko sa panahon na ito, at sa kahit anong panahon pa, mapunta ka sa taong mahal mo at mahal ka. Yun lang. at sana... makita ko yung ngiting yun. Kasi kapag nangyari yun, sobrang saya ko na. Because your happiness is my strength. As long as you are fine, I'll be alright. I'm always here for you and I'll forever support you whatever makes you happy. I'll always care for you and love you... secretly.

Nagmamahal ng hindi mo alam,
Ako.