Here's a story, story about a life. Story that can seem normal, a story that you can perceive as a dumb choice that fucked up one simple little life.
Let me give you to context, Summer of 2017, July 11th. A 15 year old kid leaves their house at 8:29 pm, to go take a walk just like every other night. A walk that may or may not be ruining their life slowly bit by bit.
Its 8:29 it's almost dusk, the air is humid, thick going into my lungs. The bugs are out, if you don't keep moving they eat you alive. I take a short yet life changing walk to a simple play ground around the corner from my house. I pause and sit at the first landing on the play set. Me facing the road and my feet on the first step. I take a deep and longing full breath in of the humid air, and with a quick flick that ignites a life changing spark, and another deep breath in, but this time instead of humid air I breath in regret. I pause and repeat, and pause and repeat. And with in a few minutes my imagination takes hold of me, as the air and leafs become alive. And time slows and the world is no longer just the ground and the sky. The grass and the moving cars are no longer just things, the whole world becomes a monster. A monster that swallows me whole, takes away my pride and dignity, let's me know that I'm worthless in every way possible. As the regret comes to its end I slowly push its spark of life into the landing next to me. I slowly sit and wait for the numbness to envelop me, as the bugs no longer create a sting followed by and itch. I stand and walk in a direction un chosen by a person in the correct state of mind. And as the cars soon become booming machines violently speeding by me, my body lets the darkness consume my mind.
There are certain things in life that are important to person. Some things are on a more emotional level, some no one understands. You will meet a person in your life. Someone you bond with unintentionally, someone you depend on seeing every day to keep you going. And when this person drives you to be a more beautiful and better you not just on the outside. They become very important for you to see every day. But when your every day interaction stops and you no longer see that person, you loose sight of who you are you lose sight of what you know isn't you. The things you worked so hard to remove slowly come back, weaving into you, becoming you. You put on a face, a front, a shield from the outside world that you tell yourself isn't there but deep down you know is. You live your life to the fullest, but at night when your in your room alone trapped in a box with your mind. The urge to throw up becomes so much more prominent, You know that regret is 2 feet away calling your name, you know that with a simple walk and with a quick flick that ignites a life changing spark, all your problems and fears and doubts will pause. The world will freeze, time will stop and your life will be so simple for just a split second.
That split second that time stops is all it takes to create a pattern. That split second can take years to stop wanting, to stop longing for. The thing that is regret, is $5.49 a box.
The regret is as simple as one cigarette
