Miracle

Choice

Lana tried to focus on her books -- she had to do this -- but her eyes kept darting up to Alistair on his hands and knees scrubbing away darkspawn blood. The King of Ferelden was doing it to protect his daughter, who should be back at home playing with her toys and not at risk to catch the blight or worse. Reiss took Myra off to a side room for a nap, and because they couldn't trust their kids anywhere near the dead bodies. Not until it was all cleaned up.

She was exhausted, they all were, but Lana spent everything inside of her on that fight. The magic she could tap into was thedas shattering, but her body grew weaker with every passing day. She never said it, but she wondered how long it would be until she couldn't get out of bed period. Healing magic could only work so far, and today she was at her limits, but they needed her. Alistair and Myra to find a cure. Gavin and Cullen so they could go home. Kieran so he could live.

"We need to talk about this."

"Maker's sake," Lana slammed the book shut and buried the palms of her hands into her eyes. She knew it was coming, but she hoped Cullen would hold off for at least a few hours. They'd barely started clean up.

"No," he gripped onto her wrist, not hard, but the touch was enough to cause Lana to sit up fast and glare at him, "No tossing me away. No acting as if I can't understand because it's a mage matter or a warden issue. Take a look out there, Lana. Look at what just happened."

Cullen jerked his hand out at the massacre and she tried to follow, but she was caught by the baby in his arms. Secure with his father back to hold him, Gavin was happily staring in wonder at the feathers and papers across Lana's desk. She'd often tickle him with quills at home, her little boy giggling like mad and wanting to chew on them.

"Look!" Cullen shouted, shaking her from her son.

"I know," Lana sobbed. "I blighted well know what darkspawn are, what they do, what they're capable of, and what this means. Yes, better than you."

"We cannot stay here," he said, his eyes darting down to the curly head of his son. The boy he'd worked so hard to come to love. Now that Gavin was locked in that cautious heart, Cullen was even more of a lion about his cub than he'd ever been before. "Our son is at risk..."

"What would you have of me?" Lana shrieked. "Please, tell me what to do. I am so Maker damn tired of all the cursed decisions landing on me. You were a Commander, so fine, command me. Tell me what spell to cast, what incantation to divine to make everything better because I'm damn well listening!" Tears burned in her eyes, and it felt as if her weary flesh was falling off in chunks. Exhausted and broken, the raw nub of Lana's soul was left exposed. She had barely slept down here between fear of failure and continual worry. With every mouth breathing down her neck for the past week praying for a cure to come springing out of her ass, it was finally time for her to snap.

Cullen winced a moment at the tears, but he didn't waver from his crusade. He never did. "We leave," he stated as if it was so simple.

"Then Myra dies," Lana sniffled. She didn't want to cry, not in front of her baby and, Maker's sake, certainly not in front of Morrigan. The woman was sitting beside Kieran doing her best to not look over at the fight, not that anyone couldn't hear it.

Cullen glanced over at the witch a moment before whispering in code, "Not necessarily."

"Then Kieran dies. No matter what I do, what choice you put to me, someone's child dies! How can I...? You cannot ask that of me. Blessed Andraste, I couldn't kill a child that was possessed. And now...? Now you want me to callously choose between, no, no, I can't. I..."

"Lana," he grabbed onto her hands, trying to get her to look at him, "Gavin could have died."

She stopped crying, her eyes darting over to her boy. He looked untouched, as if the greatest horrors against the Maker in thedas couldn't hurt him. How she wished that were true.